A Heart On Your Sleeve
by xcontagiousx
Summary: One minute they love each other, the next they're at eachother's throats. Oneday Sora's going to learn not to mess with the wrong people. Hopefully, Riku will be there to pick up the pieces. AU Rape Later. SoraRiku. OOCness.
1. Chapter 1

_Next fanfiction. It's angst and romance and drama. Lots of Yaoi! You've been warned. Lots of Sora abuse too, unfortunately. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters sadly. Just my own storyline._

_Pairings: Soraxlots of people. Geez, that sounds bad._

I unbuttoned his shirt with practiced, nimble fingers. His breath was hot over my lips, intoxicating, drawing me in to an aybss I couldn't escape. I didn't want to. His touch sent my body spiraling in ecstacy. I had loved him. Once before. So why did I still do this? I still craved his soft lips, his pale hands massaging my skin. He always handled me with care. He was never violent or rough.

Our bodies were pressed together, no room for either of us to snake a hand between us. He drew his strong, muscular arms around my small waist and hoisted me in the air. I groaned loudly as his lips met my bare skin, nipping, licking the flesh. His tongue flicked across my neck, finding my speeding pulse. He bit down hard, rewarded with a well earned gasp. He knew exactly where to touch me, to kiss me, to send a shiver of pleasure down my spine.

I wrapped my legs around his waist tightly as he worked down my neck across my bare chest. I lazily looped my arms around his neck, mindlessly stroking his silkly silver hair as he continued his advancements to my tan chest. I wasn't really ripped. I had abs. I was mostly just skinny. Skinny but with abs.

"Nn...Riku!" I moan as his teeth graze my small, brown nipple. I can feel his soft lips smirk against my heated skin. He's such an asshole. He toys with me because he knows just what to do to send me over the edge. He cranes his head to lick a line up my toned chest back up to my neck and to my ear.

"Don't let go," he breathes, nearly panting already. His breath tingles in my ear, sending chills across my arms.

I strenghten my hold around the nape of his neck while he fumbles furiously with me belt loop. He pulls the studded belt off before planting hard kisses into the contours of my abs. His tongue is as skilled as my fingers are. We've been here many times before. Too many times to count. It's passionate, mindblowing, and then it's all over.

I lose my concentration as he lowers me down. His striking aquamarine eyes bore into my cerulean blue orbs for just a moment before our lips crush bruisingly together, tongues flailing wildly. I moan into the kiss, allowing his tongue to slip in, brushing up against my own tongue.

Our lips are perfect together. He tugs at my lower lip, revealing my teeth. I moan loudly as he hitches me up again, my clothed erection pressing against his chest. His hands rake down my back and suddenly, he's so fast it shouldn't surprise me, but it does, he removes my black jeans. Well, sort of. He kind of just pulls them down far enough so that he has access. He doesn't bother removing them completely.

That bothers me. It's because he knows this is short-lived. That we're basically just fucking around with each other. Which we are. Or at least, I am. I hate myself for it. He still loves me, and well, I don't know anymore. We had a humble beginning. High school changed all of that. We're not together. But whenever we're around each other, we act like it.

I wasn't bored of him. We just fought. Constantly. Like a damn married couple. Every little thing drove the other one insane. So we cut it off. Actually, I did. He still hates me for it.

He doesn't show it, but I know he does. How could he? I've put him through hell, literally. Before we had even offically broken up, I was long gone.

He pulls my body away from his for another moment to eye me closely. "No boxers?"

I roll my eyes. "Shut up."

That's mostly how our conversations go. One word, two sentences maybe. Mostly it's just sex. I still sleep in his bed, nearly every night when I'm not with someone else. I still live with him. I'm just not with him.

I sound horrible. Like I'm a damn whore. Maybe I am. I'm just looking for love in all of the wrong places. That's what Riku says. He gives me way too much credit, but I don't call him out on it. If he's stupid enough to deal with my shit, then I won't complain.

It doesn't matter though. Something always drives me back to him, like he's some magnetic pole and I'm attracted to him.

He doesn't even bother preparing me. I don't really need it. Now how bad do I sound? Well, at least I don't need it that much when I'm with him. Okay, so it still sounds bad.

He looks me in the eye one last time before driving his length all the way into me. I cry out, fisting his hair, head thrown back in lust. He kisses my chest softly, waiting for my muscles to relax before continuing.

"Stop fucking with me," I growl. Sometimes it annoys me how he won't just cut to the chase. His concern always drives me crazy. By now, you would think that he wouldn't care. But he does and that's what pisses me off the most. I stopped caring about him a long time ago, at least I stopped showing it.

He doesn't look surprised by my outburst. But he doesn't listen. He looks down at my erection. It's painfully swollen. I guess that's what happens when you rush into things. He removed an arm from my back and slid his thumb across the slit of my cock.

I groan loudly, my hips bucking instinctively. His grip is too strong against my hips though, so he just pushes them down. "I don't know if I should take care of this or not for you," he says, eyeing me. He's smirking. God. He's up to something. "I should just let you keep your hard-on before you go off, fucking Strife."

"It's Cloud," I growl, glaring at him.

Cloud is my thing right now, I guess. We've been together for a few weeks. How did we meet? The club. Our relationship is sex. That's what all of my relationships are about. We don't really talk or anything. We kiss and touch and that's what it's made up of.

"It makes no difference to me. All the same, at least he would know what kind of shit you're pulling."

He pulls out and slams back into me, making me wince. Okay, this is going to be angry sex.

"You're an asshole. I hope you know that," I retort angrily.

He smirks again, grabbing my erection and pumping it once. Fuck. He's toying with me again. He's killing me over here. Heat is pooling in my groin. I just want him to take it, relieve me from the pressure.

"Is that why you come back here every day, shit-fucked and crying because they hurt you again?"

I freeze. His words hit home. I feel all of my muscles tense and the blood drain from my face and suddenly, I hate him. I think we're both bipolar, because one moment we're cool and sweet, and the next we're at each other's throats like damn wolves.

Or maybe it's because we know exactly what to say to ruin each other's days. But his words...they sting. They hurt more than he knows. Or maybe he does know and that's why he says them. Shit. I hate the way he gets to me.

Because they hurt me again. I'm too vulnerable and gullible for my own good. They say the most beautiful things to me, but their actions never match their words.

Especially recently. They've learned how to get me going, how to seduce me, so to speak. They know what I'm looking for and they take advantage of it. And the worst thing is, he knows it.

He knows what they do, and yet he still just sits there and lets me do this to myself. I hate him for it. Absolutely can't stand his guts for it. He was supposed to love me, wasn't he? But I guess this is the fucked up life I lead. Everything I do is the same. I go around and around in the same God forsaken circle. And I can't get out.

I turn into a robot with no feelings. Or at least I try to. I can feel the tears before they even come. His words...they destroy me. They hook me right in the heart and rip it apart like it's nothing. Like I'm nothing.

I guess I deserve it.

He notices that I stop kissing him and that my hands untangle themselves from his silverly locks.

He pulls away, his icy eyes glaring suddenly.

"What the fuck! Why are you crying?"

I shake my head, angry with myself that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I can't hide them. With him. He brings out the worst of me. The tears, the self-loathing. I stopped loving myself a long time ago. Coincidently when we broke up.

He brings a hand to my face but I slap it away.

"I'm leaving," I mutter, hands on his muscled shoulders. He already knew what I'm doing. He pulls out of me, ignoring the sexual tension that is hanging in the air. I want to go back and let him screw me senseless, but I'm more than mad at him. I'm furious. Crushed. Annoyed. Too many things at once.

I quickly pull my jeans back up to my hips, stuffing my erection back into my pants, cursing infuriatedly.

"Sora," he groans in exasperation, rubbing his temples with his fingers. Don't talk to me. I fucking hate you right now.

He puts his own hard erection back into his pants, walking over to me. He places his hand on my shoulder, comfortingly. "Sora." I hate my name. I hate how he says it. He doesn't say it like he's mad. More like he's disappointed that I do this.

I shake my head again. "Leave me the fuck alone."

"Fine," he shrugs his shoulders. "Go on then. Go fuck up your life some more. It's what you're good at." His tone is bitter. It makes me cringe. I hurt him too.

It's back and forth, neverending. We hurt each other so badly. Maybe that's why we can't be together. I watch him, curious to see how he reacts. It's alwayas different. Sometimes he pleads with mem apologizing until I can't get his stupid rant out of my head. Other times, he acts as if it doesn't bother him. And sometimes we start shouting at each other, yelling and fighting.

And I mean really fighting. With our fists. He never tries to really hurt me though. I know, cause I never get out of it with a mark. But I try my best to hurt him. Our fights are awful.

But they're not the worst. The worst is when he acts like he doesn't care. He just dismisses my existence. That hurts the most. Just like now.

Grumbling, he throws himself down on his soft brown couch, remote in hand. I turn as I gather my clothes into an old, blue duffel bag, glaring at him. He has his arm settled under his head and lazily flipping through channels.

I try to ignore his words, but I can't. I just can't. I can't stop the tears. I can't stop the way he makes me feel like the awful, undeserving piece of shit that I am.

I sniff loudly, trying desperately to catch his attention. I don't know why I do that. I crave his attention. And he ignores it. I shove more clothes into my bag forcibly. I don't even notice that I accidently grab a black sweatshirt of his. I zip the bag so suddenly that the zipper breaks.

Fuck. That's just my luck, isn't it.

I throw on my shirt, smoothing out the wrinkles, put on my shoes and toss my bag over my shoulder. I try my best to ignore him as I leave his home. I open the door, thinking miserably about our argument and it takes me a second too long to realize it's raining outside. Not just raining. It's fucking pouring.

Great. This is my life.

I slam the door shut, grappling through my bag to find a jacket of some sort. The only thing I find is his damned sweatshirt. Of course. My guilt isn't enough. In order to halfway decently keep myself dry, I have to wear his clothes and smell his scent.

I stuff it back into the bag, refusing to wear his sweatshirt and I walk out into the rain.

In less than five seconds, I'm completely drenched. It's not even pouring. It's coming down in heavy torrents, each drop enough to soak my shirt all the way through. And it's cold. It's not even winter yet. Hell, it's barely fall. It's almost August.

The rain doesn't let up. I walk a single block before the shivering starts to set in. This is stupid. I should lose my stupid ego and jsut go apologize to Riku. But I can't. It's not that I'm too proud. It's that I'm too ashamed.

I'm ashamed of the things I do. Who I am. But I can't stop.

My shoes are so waterlogged that every step I take, I can hear the water sloshing from inside them. My skin is decorated with goosebumps. I'm shivering so violently. I attempt to rub my arms, but I'm too cold to even do that, so I simply hug my arms around my chest.

At least now I can cry without anyone noticing. From ten feet away, you wouldn't even notice me standing there. That's how bad the rain is falling right now.

In a matter of minutes, there are foot-deep puddles along the sides of the road. I wouldn't have taken notice to it had I not been sprayed repeatedly with stupid cars that slam into the puddles.

It doesn't really make a difference. I'm already soaked. It's just annoying. It's obviously that they can't see me, but it makes me feel metaphorically invisible. Like I don't matter. Like I'm not important.

The tears don't stop and I don't look up to figure out where I'm walking. Everything is blurry and gray. I can't even see individual drops. Damn. I made a real stupid decision.

When I finally do look up, I have no idea where I am. I must have missed a turn or walked too far. Damnit Riku. This is all your fault. This would have never happened if...

If what...

If we hadn't met. If I hadn't loved you. If I hadn't met you. If.

All these ifs. This isn't your fault. This is my fault. Now I have no clue where I am. I look up to see if I can see a street sign, but I don't.

Shoot. I must be in the middle of nowhere. I turn down a rather dark road, walking past several old, crooked dumpsters that wreak of trash and rotten food before coming to a dead end. A freaking brick wall.

Yep. Just my luck.

I turn around to travel back the way I came when I hear voices. Loud, obnoxious, ranting. I gulp. I shouldn't be here.

I can't make out any outlines of people, so I hope there's a chance that I can simply slide right by them.

Stupid. Again. Is there no end to my stupidity?

I hit whoever it is hard and fall backwards onto the ground, sprawled. "Ow!"

"What the hell?" I hear one of them say.

"What's this?"

I scramble to my feet, my hands up in what I hope looks like a submissive gesture.

"Kid, what are you doing out here?"

Kid? Well...I'm sixteen. Damn. Sixteen and already more one night stands than birthdays that I've had.

I don't look sixteen. I look...twelve? Fourteen if I'm lucky. It's a good thing I don't screw around in public, cause if I did, whoever was with me would get arrested for child molestation or something.

"I...uhh...I just took a wrong turn," I stammer. Wow. I'm a hard-ass when I'm around Riku. Because he won't hurt me. But this doesn't look promising.

"I said, what are you doing out here?"

I can't see his face. I don't even know how many of them there are. I only hear quiet, humored murmers surrounding me. Suddenly, someone punches me hard in the jaw. I gasp, starting to fall backwards. Another one of the strangers takes a shot on me. I feel another crunching punch to my face.

I don't even remember what happened. I felt blood run down my nose and into my mouth. I stopped trying to fight it. Whenever someone started hurting me, I would just try to tune them out. Forget the pain.

This was a different kind of pain.

The others start joining in, slamming me into the ground, kicking and punching viciously at me. I shut my eyes tight. This was exactly how my day was going.

Please just stop. Somebody. Please take the pain away. I thought I had closed my eyes. I did. But not on my own accord. I passed out after a particular punch to the head.

I couldn't feel any rain. I wasn't...cold. I was warm. Actually, really warm. I tried to open my eyes, but they felt too heavy, like a lead weight was forcing them to stay shut. I force myself to open my eyes and now I wish I didn't.

The warm brown walls, the clean, white sheets that smelled like cinnamon. I turn over carefully on my side. The bedside is empty. Surprisingly.

I sit up, gasping as it causes pain to shoot up my back and chest. Fuck. What even happened?

I guess he heard me gasp, because not a second later, he walks in, clad in only black sweatpants. His pale, completely ripped chest is mocking me in the face.

"What happened?" My voice cracks badly. My head is throbbing. I feel like I'm swinging from a hundred feet rather than standing to my feet. I catch a small glimpse in the mirror and my jaw tightens.

Bruises cover my neck and face, decorating my cheek, jaw, and forehead with dark blues and blacks.

Riku crosses his arms solemnly, leaning against the doorway.

"Why didn't you just ask for a ride?"

Something is tightening in my chest. And it's not tears. I sneeze violently, barely missing his crystaline clear mirror. Damn. I'm sick. Now I know why my throat is constricting so badly everytime I speak.

I don't answer him. I'm too tired to fight, and I know that if I open my mouth to speak, it's going to come out as a curse or blow directed towards him. I can't help but be angry with him right now.

He was the one who had to start acting like an ass. That's why I decided to leave. And of course, he has to be the good guy who follows me because I foolishly decide to find my way to Leon's house in a drenching storm and then saves me from the stupid gang. If that's even what they were.

My wet clothes have been stripped off, and I notice that he kindly dressed me in his own sweatpants and longsleeve t-shirt.

I refuse to look at him while I remove his clothes and carelessly throw them on the bed. Usually, I would graciously fold his clothes, but my mind is still too jumbled.

I know he's watching me carefully as I grab a loose pair of blue jeans and t-shirt to put on. I wince as the shirt scuffs the back of my neck.

He starts forward, his eyes suddenly concerned, but then he changes his mind and returns to his position, leaning in the doorway, arms folded thoughtfully.

I feel the back of my neck and there's a square of gauze wrap taped to the back of my neck. Now I'm even more ashamed, and I know my cheeks are flushing.

He bandaged me up. I bite my lip, refusing the desperate urge to thank him and to check and see the damage that was done by the gang.

I sneeze again, groaning as I wipe my nose with my sleeve. I look as miserable as I feel.

Riku's clicking his tongue, just watching me, the creeper.

As I start forward, he moves out of the way, obviously avoiding another argument. But he still follows me as I walk down the stairs from his room to the front door.

As I'm reaching for the doorknob, preparing to leave again, I feel his hand pull my arm back gently.

"Let me take you there," he says, trying to hide the hurt in his voice.

I'm about to refuse when I sneeze again. I'm sick of him being the nice guy. It makes a lump in the back of my throat form. It makes me want to jump into his all-too welcoming arms and let him hold me and protect me.

I hate that I'm agreeing, letting him take my arm and lead me into the passenger's seat of the car, holding the door open for me, shutting it as I slide into the seat.

I hate even more that he's putting himself through this. Why is he offering to take me to my boyfriend's house?

"Those guys are dangerous," he says, breaking the silence as he pulls out onto the street. It's no longer raining, but there's a hazy fog that's simply hanging around the buildings, snaking across the streets. I hate how he seems to read my mind. I guess sixteen years of knowing each other makes me an open book to him.

"I don't want you out there on your own."

"Why do you care?" I snap bitterly, right before I sneeze again.

Going out there was a really bad idea.

I see his face fall from the corner of my eye and I suddenly feel terrible again. I know he cares and it's not fair to him. I stare out the window, guilt running my blood cold.

Why was it so hard for me to just buck up and apologize?

"I couldn't find your bag," he said, breaking the tense silence again.

Stupidly, I look around his car for my bag and realize he's telling me the truth. Not that he lies to me. No, that's my job.

"I think they took it," he mentions again.

I lean my throbbing head back against the leather seats of his car. I groan, running my hands across my face, slowly raking my fingers down my cheeks.

Great. Just great. Not that there was anything especially important there. Just my clothes.

I still can't believe he's driving me to Leon's. That's just...driving me insane.

Why is he so damn nice to me? I don't deserve it. And he knows it.

God, I hate that. I hate him.

He pulls to a gentle stop and we're already at Leon's apartment.

I know I should say thank you. Thanks for saving me, from caring for me, for dropping me off. But I can't. It's that ego again. No, that's not it.

It's the shame.

I bite my lip hard as I open the door to leave. It's too much. I can't not say thank you. He at least deserves that much.

I turn around to thank him then...

"Tha-" I sneeze again.

"Stay inside," is all he says, offering me a kind, underserved smile. Then he leans across my vacant seat and shuts the door.

He drives off, leaving me standing by myself in the slight drizzle.

Damn, it's starting to rain again. I crane my head to see the droplets falling, then stop when the action aggravates my neck. I sigh.

Standing here in the rain isn't making things any better. I wonder vaguely what time it is as I clamor up the staircase to the different floors.

I don't know how long I was out. It couldn't have been too long because it was still raining.

I reach Cloud's apartment. I reached out to knock then hesitate.

He was going to wonder where I've been. And more importantly, what happened to me.

I better hope he gets distracted when he sees the bruises on my face so he won't ask me where I've been. Geez, I'm pathetic. I bet he knows where I've been. It's not a secret that I get around.

He's probably doing the same, just fooling with me, just playing this sick, demented mind game.

Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I knock on the door.

It takes a few minutes, but he finally hears.

"Shit, Sora! What happened to you?"

He looks groggy like he's been asleep. His spiky golden blonde hair is tousled like he's been rolling around the bed. He has on a wrinkled, plain white t-shirt and dark blue jeans. His blue eyes widen with...concern?

He pulls me inside, his eyes never leaving the disfiguring bruises on my face. "Sora, what happened?" he demands in a deep voice.

He sits on a small futon in his living room, facing the television and he pulls me down to the couch. "I was trying to walk home and...it was raining...It was really stupid," I try to explain with as little details as possible. "I ran into a gang...or something. It's okay."

He nods thoughtfully, but he just doesn't know how to comfort me like Riku does. Riku would have had an ice pack and a bowl of chicken noodle soup already prepared for me had I chosen to stay. I'm sort of regretting that now.

Riku's house is clean, roomy. Leon's is messy. Dirty dishes in the sink, clothes piled on the floor in the living room. It smells musty.

I sneeze again, all over him.

"And I'm sick," I finish. Not like he didn't already come to that conclusion.

"You wanna rest?"

No. "Yeah, sure." I fake a yawn.

It's all wrong. I don't want to sleep. Riku would have known that. I'm hungry, my head and neck is throbbing. I want ice. I want someone to rub my back and shoulders and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I want...

God.

I want Riku.

All Cloud ever wants to do is sleep, go to the club, and have sex. He pulls me ontop of him, kissing me.

I don't really respond. I don't want this. He doesn't understand. But what can I say?

I made my bed, now I'm lying in it.

He puts his arms around me and in a matter of seconds, he's asleep.

I can't sleep. My body hurts too much. I sigh and let my head rest against his falling and rising chest, my eyes not really catching what's on the television screen.

Oh Riku.

I guess it's too late for an apology.

_My first chapter in this series. What do you think? Please review, any thoughts, concerns, spelling errors, ideas, criticism, everything is appreciated!_

_blahblahblah_


	2. Chapter 2

_Special Thanks to SitarLover, Sesshygirl300, Your Alien, ashtar11, xXJuliets SecretXx, Liarsenic, RukiRomance, and Segaaa!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom hearts or any of the characters sadly. Just my own storyline._

_Pairings: Pairings are offical. RikuSora, AnsemSora, AxelRoxas, SoraCloud, SoraLeon. Basically SoraxA lot of people. Yeah, I know how bad that sounds._

_Warning: This is a Yaoi! And there are many scenes of it. You've been warned. _

_MOST SPELLING ERRORS SHOULD BE FIXED NOW._

Saying I feel like shit is an understatement.

I've been piteously sick for three days now.

And the worst part is, Cloud doesn't do a thing about it. He doesn't know that my skin is clammy and cold and that I just want to lie curled up in a bundle of sheets. He doesn't understand why I don't want to go anywhere, why I can't just stuff a bunch of tissues into my pocket.

Soup sounds so incredibly soothing to my throat, but there's no food in the house. Not that he needs any. He goes out every night and gets food at the club.

But I can't pin all of that on him, because if it weren't for that forsaken rain, I would be right next to him, dancing, drinking, who knows what else.

But I at least have sense not to go while I am feeling like this.

It's absolute misery. And he just doesn't get it or he doesn't care.

I lay on his couch for the remainder of the week, nose congested, throat scratching unbearably, muscles shaking and entirely spent although I haven't done anything except this. He strokes my shoulder, expecting me to be able to lift my head and acknowledge his presence. But I don't. He leans down and kisses my neck playfully, his hands snaking down my abdomen, intending on arousing me, but I only snap at him.

"I'm not in the mood Cloud. Fuck off."

"Quit acting like a little shit," he curses quietly. He just swears quietly to himself, but loud enough so that I can make out some of his words, and I know he's pissed at me. I haven't gone out, haven't partied. Hell, I'm so sick I haven't even been in bed with him, and he's pissed.

I don't care. I'm tired and weak and I'm sick of him constantly trying to get me in bed in this damn condition.

That's what I am to these people. They want me only as long as I satisfy their hunger for lust. If I don't meet their standards, they're gone.

I hear him slam the door and I know that he's going out to get wasted. He'll come home, indulged out of his mind. And I know exactly what could happen to me if he comes back hammered. He's going to want me. Want my body. And I'm too sick and disgusted to allow him such things. Especially right now.

His annoyance with me is just another reason why I have decided to leave. Leave him. Most, actually, all of my relationships have been about sex. But there's some that keep me interested, at least humoring me and treating me like their boyfriend, not just a one-night stand.

Arms aching and head swimming in a daze, I pick myself up and walk to the kitchen where the phone is.

I guess Riku was right. I always come back to him like some lovesick puppy. It's a sick cycle.

I dial his number, surprised that I don't accidentally press the wrong button. That's how bad my head is spinning.

I know he can make it better. Anything is better than this dump. This place makes me nauseous. It's just dirty and grimy because Leon doesn't take care of it.

Damn. Leon's going to be so pissed when he realizes I am gone for good. I'm probably number one on every single one of my past ex's hit lists with the way I drop everything and take off.

The phone rings. And rings. And rings.

I'm about to hang up, my body shaking more with anger than illness. If he didn't pick up his phone this instant...

"Hello?"

He sounded tired.

"Ri-Riku?"

"Sora? What's wrong?"

This irritates me. So something always has to be wrong for me to call him? Well, I guess things don't change much.

"Can...can you come get me?"

I only hear silence on the other line and I bite my lip fretfully. He's not ready to forgive me yet. I know I wouldn't be. But if he said no it would be...so unlike him.

I sound like a terrible person again. I use his affection against him.

"Sure. I'm on my way."

An enormous weight lifts off of my shoulders. I feel the corners of my dry lips twitching. I don't say thank you because he hangs up before I have time to catch my breath, but it's a mutual consent.

I slowly gather my bag and fill it with the clothes of mine that Cloud has strewn around his damn apartment. Some of them are musty, and still smell like sex. I wrinkle my nose with distaste and find a plastic bag to put those ones in.

I may be a sex addict, but I'm also a hygienic. Almost a weird, ironic contradiction.

I only have to wait twenty minutes before I hear the horn honk abruptly. I exhale slowly, chancing a glance around the apartment. It smells and it's crummy and unkempt and I know without another backwards glance that I won't miss it here.

As soon as I get into the car, before I even have a chance to shut the door, his hand is pressed against my damp forehead. His touch is chilling and serene. I sigh, letting my head rest against the seat and closing my eyes.

I feel the car whip out of the parking lot. And still I don't open my eyes. His hand has left my forehead, but he rests it against my arm. God. I love him so much that I can't stand it. He's everything I need. He knows what makes me click, what gestures calm me.

We don't need to speak. That's part of the bond that is knotted around us.

But sometimes, there are things that you can't leave unsaid.

"Riku?"

"Hm?"

I open my eyes barely and turn my head so that I can see his face. "I'm sorry...about...you know."

Damn. It's hard to apologize. To him of all people.

To my relief, he nods his head and I can see a tiny smirk playfully tug at the corners of his lips.

We reach home, wow, I even call his place my own, without another word to each other. The car ride has only made me dizzier. I swear I can't remember the last time I felt so under the weather. Ha! The weather, that's what I can blame this on. Not my stupidity or our pointless argument. Just the weather.

Immediately, Riku fabricates a makeshift bed on the couch, so that I can watch television instead of stare boredly at the bland walls of his room. He makes me soup. What did I say before? He knows exactly how to make me feel better.

In three minutes, I'm laying comfortably in his lap, a clear plastic bowl of soup balanced across my waist, his arms stroking my shoulders with such delicate ease that he doesn't seem capable of.

I'm still feeling guilty, but he refuses to let me voice my apologies. It's kind of cliché to say that as soon as I got to Riku's, I began feeling better, but it's true.

I yawn inaudibly, stretching my arm to set the empty bowl onto the coffee table and I miss. The bowl and spoon clatters to the floor, the few remains of the soup spilling across the rug. Damnit. Now there's soup on the floor.

I start to get up, knowing how much of a disinfected clean freak Riku is, but his arms draw me back into the warmth of his chest.

"Don't worry about it," he whispers, and hand reaching to stroke my cheeks. "You need to rest."

He's too good for me.

I sigh, my eyes closing, but I can't sleep. At least not in this position. I roll around carefully, watching where my legs and arms are going so I don't accidentally jab an elbow into his ribs or knee him. I stop so our chests are pressed together and I lay my cheek in the crook of his neck. I feel his arms tighten around me and I feel safe, protected.

I'm enveloped by this reassuring sense of security. Riku is always there for me, open arms, gentle words.

"Are you asleep?" he asks quietly, gently prodding me.

"Not yet."

I feel the steep rise and fall of his breath and I can dimly hear his steady heartbeat. When he speaks, his voice reverberates through his torso.

"School starts up tomorrow," he finally says, and I'm aware of the turmoil in his voice. I'm almost positive that he wants to say something else.

"Fuck." I let a small groan escape. School itself isn't too terrible, but the people are. I guess most of the drama and gossip that follows me around is my own fault. Most everyone knows that I get around a lot. It doesn't affect my popularity.

Our group of friends basically rule the school. There's me and Riku, Kairi, Namine, Terra, Yuffie, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie...and so many others that I can't possibly keep count of. Most of our clique has become indifferent to mine and Riku's struggling relationship.

Funnily enough, we started dating three years ago right before our freshman year. We lasted a year without rough fights, but that's when we started heading straight for the gutter. At least I did.

Being together was like a damn roller coaster, up and down, rickety. I just wished I could get off, but it never stopped.

He smirks, his lips caressing my forehead. He doesn't dare kiss me while I'm sick. I don't blame him.

"You think you'll make it a whole year?"

I glare at him defiantly, scowling. Two months of my junior year left, and I ditched. Sometimes I was with Cloud...most of the time I was out with my boyfriend of the week. Somehow, I miraculously managed to maintain a passing grade in all of my classes and I was allowed to advance to my final year.

We had fought almost everyday during those two months. He was pissed that I was screwing up my life and I was pissed at him for caring.

I could honestly say that I had enough sense to shy away from drugs for the time being. The drinking, not so much. But Riku, at least to my knowledge, had no idea that I had done that. And I was not planning on letting him ever figure that out about. I was always with someone when I did let loose. Not that that was much better.

I sighed, nestling my nose more comfortably into his neck, drinking in his intoxicating smell, even though I was so stuffed up it really made no difference. I felt his fingers tousle through my spiky locks. I enjoyed these kinds of moments, where sex was the last thing on our minds, where we could just slumber in each other's arms securely. This was how it used to be, how it ought to be between us.

"Riku?" I mumble, eyes struggling against the exhaustion that I was feeling. Riku's bones were enticing me to sleep.

"Hm?"

"Are we together again?"

The fingers in my hair stopped and I inhaled sharply. Way to ruin a good moment. Fuck. I always screw these things up. I mentally curse myself. Why the hell would Riku want to jump a cliff with me again after knowing that I always leave him drowning?

"Only if you want to be," he murmurs against my forehead.

Of course he would say it like that. But I don't complain. For the time being, I'm perfectly content with this.

This is how I move on. This is how I get around. Something doesn't work out, I'm long gone down the road with someone else. I'm like a prize that is handed out to which ever lucky guy I fancy. And if it's not someone new, it's Riku.

What a sick cycle.

I had caught a pretty ruthless cold that finally began waning off after a few more days. Just in time for school.

I couldn't say I was overwhelmingly happy with Riku, because I constantly wanted someone new, a new sensation, a new experience to drive me over a bridge, so to speak. But I was content with him.

I still loved him.

But I was consciously aware of what school meant. It meant new people, new faces, a grand old opportunity for me to experiment more.

I couldn't be anymore restless for the first day so I could scope out someone to take Leon's place. Once again, I know that sounds bad, but is it?

I guess this is just my twisted mind talking.

I think Riku knew all the possibilities that my mind was weighing subconsciously, because he getting annoyed at the lack of attention I threw his way. The arm around the shoulder and chaste kiss on the lips weren't enough. That was another reason I could never stay with him for too long. Things became...too comfortable, like nothing was going to change. I wanted change. Desperately.

Finally, Riku resorted to the one thing he knew could draw my mind away from another someone.

It was that damn three-letter word that got me going in a love drunk frenzy. Sex.

My legs were curled over his shoulders as he guided his cock deep into my heat, causing my body to spasm with pleasure and pain alike. His lips brushed mine for a breath of a second, his eyes half-lidded, icy aqua pupils still gazing lovingly into my eyes. His hands never stopped their roaming pace, fingers pressing my abs and rubbing down the length of my torso.

His mouth divulged onto my own hardened erection and I cried out his name with a shaky breath. His tongue licked the underside of my shaft, following the large vein underneath to the sensitive slit of the head. His tongue dipped into the thin crevice and I lost any sense of who I was and what I was doing. My hips bucked into his awaiting hands, his thrusts heightened to a rushed pace.

His hands raked down my back as I yelped, spilling semen into his mouth seconds before he releases himself into me. He removes his mouth, sides heaving, ribs protruding through. We're both panting, a thin sheet of sweat covering our exhausted bodies. He pulls out, groaning at the compressing muscles against his length.

He's careful to fall beside me on his bed. I'm on my back, legs still spread eagle and he's on his stomach, grinning tiredly as he ruffles my cinnamon-brown hair. His fingers stroke the back of my neck where the gauze had been removed. The cut had nearly healed. I don't even know how I got it. I had been hit in the face and chest, not the neck, but I don't care.

"We smell," I finally say, breaking the silence with a wrinkle of my nose. I can hear him chuckling beside me.

"Shower?"

"Dibs," I demand, slowly sitting up. I shake my sweaty bangs from my line of sight.

"It's my house," he argues. I can still catch the hint of laughter in his voice.

"I'm your guest."

"You _live_ here, smart-ass," he retorts, standing to his feet and halfway across his room before I have time to shoot back an insult. I cross my arms, scowling.

"Sometimes."

He rolls his eyes and I realize how lucky I am that my snide remark wasn't taken further. Riku seemed to have noticed it too because he sighed.

I couldn't help but stare at his stark naked body. He was pale, but his body rippled with bulging muscles. His silver hair danced across his shoulders, slightly limp due to sweat. His bangs are covering his eyes.

"You coming?" he asks, breaking me out of my lustful stupor. I shake my head, eyes narrowing.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

He shrugs and that pisses me off. Once again, he knows how I click. He knows that I was expecting him to play the guilty one for the night. He wasn't going to.

"I offered. You can either take it or leave it."

With that, he switches on the warm bathroom light and turns on the shower. I hear the nozzle sputter slightly before a steady waterfall cascades against the tiled wall. I know when he decides to step inside, because the gentle rap against the wall dulls.

That jackass. He purposely left the door open as an invite. And he knew I wasn't strong enough to resist his boggling body in a mask of steam. I growl under my throat, knowing that he has the best of me tonight.

Then I figure, I just play along. I'll play his little game. He deserves something for saving me from the gang and for sucking up his ego and bringing me home from Leon's.

I wonder what he's thinking. I've been gone the entire weekend. I didn't leave a note and I won't call. He probably won't care. I was just a fad for him. Not that it bothers me, because that's exactly how I see him.

I follow Riku into the shower, but my mind just really isn't focused on him or our bodies, lathered with soap. My thoughts fast forward to the anticipation of the first day of school. I'm already preparing myself for the torments and questioning looks I'm going to get, walking in with Riku again.

It's like the whole school knows about our little scenario. And everyone pitied him. They just rolled their eyes at me. Who cared? I was a whore, well except I didn't get money, I just got an enjoyable one-night stand.

Kairi wouldn't be surprised that we were back together again;Terra would shoot me reproachful glares because he absolutely despised what I did to Riku.

He was just a damn jealous friend because Riku had no other eyes for anyone but me.

I didn't mind that.

I was sincerely hoping that the good would outweigh the bad for school. Sure, I would have to deal with demoralizing taunts from people I didn't even know and whispers behind my back, but I had long ago learned that words were just words. Not actions.

Besides, I kind of needed a new dating life. Someone more my age. Fucking Cloud was twenty-four.

Damn. I had only started becoming interested with the older guys over the summer. That was because I spent so much time at the club and so little time with my friends.

The club. It's kind of a mystery how I've gotten away with getting in there. Remember what I said? I look fourteen if I'm lucky. Somehow I always managed to sneak in. Of course, sometimes I had to...you know, sleep with the guys that ran the place so I wouldn't get in trouble.

That was something else Riku didn't know.

He knew my mind was elsewhere, so he didn't try and engage me further. We showered, dried off with a towel, and literally collapsed into bed.

He intertwined our fingers together, his thumbs stroking my palm.

We were content in silence, and I didn't feel much like talking anyways. I was half-dreading school tomorrow.

"Everything will be fine," he spoke suddenly.

It's freaky how he almost reads my mind like some kind of psychic.

I roll my eyes at him, not glaring really. I don't want to make him mad. I don't have anywhere else to stay.

I don't answer. I close my eyes and sink into a restless slumber, turning over on my side, feet kicking sporadically.

Morning can't come soon enough. But when early sunrays start sneaking into the room, I've barely caught any sleep.

I clamp my eyelids tightly, attempting to block out the morning rays. Right on cue, I feel a hand shaking my shoulders gently.

"Sora, it's time to get up."

I groan, lamenting over his intrusion.

"Sora, come on!" His voice is harsher this time.

"Fuck off," I utter nearly incoherently.

I feel a pillow smack me upside the face and I open my eyes, glaring daggers at him.

His silky hair is already combed through, and he looks like he's already dressed for school. He catapults another pillow at me.

"Okay! I'm up!" I protest.

I rub my eyes, arduously waking myself up, stretching my sore muscles and yawning inaudibly.

I'm like an unresponsive zombie in the mornings. When we were first together, Riku tried to talk me out of my daze or make me a cup of coffee or something, but it was useless. I would only grunt in reply and ignore him. He was lucky if he managed to get two, complete sentences out of me.

This morning was no different. It took me ten minutes before I realized that my shirt was on backwards and that it would probably do me justice to slip on a pair of boxers under my jeans. Riku was downstairs, dressed in slack blue jeans and a button-down long sleeve flannel shirt.

He already had a small cappuccino mug waiting for me. I stiffly sat down at his breakfast bar, chin resting carefully on the rim of the mug, allowing the aroma to fill my nose and rousing my senses.

"You awake yet?" he smirked, book bag already slung coolly across his shoulder.

"Getting there." Two words out of me. Still a fragmented sentence. He gave me precisely three minutes to finish my drink and grab my bag before checking the clock on the stove.

He ignored my grumbling as he gingerly tugged my arm.

"Come on, we need to go," he said urgently, ushering me outside to the driveway where his Honda Civic was sitting, rumbling smoothly as we clamored into the silver car.

Anticipation is the absolute worst. I braced myself for the stares and the gossip, but not for Kairi's obnoxious declaration to the entire freaking school.

The millisecond we walk through the double doors to the gym, fingers interlocked, her eyebrows raised and she announces, "Together again? What's that the...forth...no, maybe the fortieth time?"

I glare at the perky redhead, her hands folded behind her back, her head cocked to the side like a young girl.

"It's none of your fucking business what-"

A hand quickly guards my mouth and I crane my neck, growling at Riku. He gives me this irritating knowing look. Kairi gives me this wide grin and she rings me around the neck, soft hands disheveling my already unruly hair.

"I've missed you too, Sora," she says. My anger with her dissolves and I sigh, returning her hug. I have missed her. Flamboyant and giddy; she's an instant favorite within our group of friends.

She lets go and leads Riku and I towards the other side of the gym where the rest of our expanded group is sitting. Our school is strange because the first day, we all report to the gym where school guidelines and policies are going to be explained. The administrators will drone on for the good half of an hour before we are dismissed to our homeroom classes for our schedule.

A group of them are already huddled in the center floor of the gym.

There's Roxas, a close replica of myself. Same size, same eyes. But he's blonde, pale, and still a virgin. Along with his boyfriend, Axel. Axel reminds me closely of Riku, what with his size and demeanor. He has spiky red hair that juts out behind him. They've been together for over a year, and I don't see how they do it.

At first, Riku and I stood on some kind of pedestal, our relationship defined as the perfect couple. Axel and Roxas have taken our place. People don't even consider our faces any longer.

Then there was Namine. She was probably my favorite out of the entire batch. She was Roxas's older sister, though she could get by as his twin. She had the same blonde hair and pale skin. But she was quiet, good-natured, and minded her own business.

She knew everything about what went on between me and Riku, which was no surprise because everyone did, but she kept to herself.

Then there was Terra. Oh Terra. Riku's wonderful, overbearing best friend. He had a secret love interest for Namine, though with her adherence, she must have known that. He had rusty brown hair that spiked backwards. He was currently leaning over her shoulder, admiring her handiwork. Namine was a prestigious artist, the best in the school.

There were so many of them that I knew and spoke to, but never really hung out with. There was Xion and Tifa, a pretty tomboy with long, raven hair, Ventus, a freshman love interest, Tidus and Wakka and Selphie, the three musketeers, all two years younger than us and more talkative and chatty than all of us seniors put together, and then two new people that I had never seen before.

One was a pretty girl with cropped brown hair that framed her face. She was wearing a charcoal tanktop and shorts. Se was being engaged in a conversation with Kairi, who seemed determined to get her and the other guy acquainted with everyone. The guy had dark brown spikes that jutted out in every direction, although not as disarrayed as mine, and stern piercing blue eyes, a small scowl across his lips. I could visibly see his muscular build underneath the white shirt he was wearing.

There was something almost mystifying by him, like he was hard to please, and cold, but I was instantly intrigued. "Who is that?" I asked, biting my tongue as a hint of hunger slipped by my teeth.

Kairi straightened, eyes narrowed toward me. She beckoned Riku and me towards the two new students. As we approached them, I got a better look of the boy's muscles. His face was lean with a pointed jaw. My hands left Riku's grip suddenly as I unconsciously brushed my bangs out of my eyes.

"This is Yuffie and Squall," she introduced us. "They're new here."

"Leon," he corrected her, his tone serious and monotone, the severity taking her aback.

Shit. He was really handsome.

But what if they were together? I bit my tongue. With the way my morning was going so far, that would be just my luck.

"They're best friends," Kairi mentions, almost as if she can read my mind.

"Nice to meet you," Riku, better mannered, said, offering his hand to both of them. I was seething like a jealous madman on the inside as the new boy's hand clasped Riku's.

And I wasn't jealous because of Riku.

I was jealous because it wasn't my hand.

I'm an awful person for this. This is why I hate myself, because I can't help my wanton need.

The guy, Leon, was hot. No other word to describe it. No other discreet way of saying it. And he was new, meaning he was completely oblivious to my selfish antics. He was going to be the breath of fresh air that I needed.

He was what I had been anticipating all morning long.

_Orginally had Sora paired with Terra this chapter, but I changed it because Cloud and Sora just sounds better, and Terra's not as popular a character. So Cloud was perfect. Let me know what you think. This story's updates will take longer than what I usually produce, because I have other priorities over it, unfortunately. But I'm not abandoning it. Please review. All the favorite stories and story alerts don't match up, haha. Please review. I'm going to make sure the anonymous review option is up as well. But yeahhh, I need reviews to go on. Anything, thoughts, concerns, errors I've made. Thanks! blahblahblah_


	3. Chapter 3

_I think I've found the perfect theme song to this story. Good Charlotte-Dance Floor Anthem, if you switch out all the she's with he's and hers with his._

_& Adam Lambert- Whataya Want From Me_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters sadly. Just my own storyline._

_Pairings: Officially SoraRiku, SoraAnsem, SoraCloud, AxelRoxas, SoraLean, later Riku will be paired some more. But basically it's SoraxA lot of people. Dang, that still sounds bad._

_Warning: This is a YAOI! And there are many scenes of it contained in this story. You've been warned. Also rated for language._

_I decided to make this story half and half because I want Riku's point of view on everything, and I'm sure it's going to get tiring hearing Sora screw up constantly. Plus, it will help explain why he puts up with Sora and gives a better insight on their relationship._

**_Riku's POV_**

His fingers subconsciously abandon mine and it leaves my skin tingling uncomfortably. It's not just his hand leaving mine. It's more symbolic.

The absense of his fingers reflect his absence and blatant disregard for me.

I catch his gleaming eyes wearily. His stare fixes on the new kid who called himself Leon for way too long. I recognize the hungry glint in those brilliant azures. He wants him.

Not me.

It's never been me.

Maybe in the beginning, but we've grown so far apart nowadays. It still bothers me.

Like I'm not good enough for him. He has everything he could ever want, waiting for him with open arms, security, love, lust, best friend, eternal companion. But it's never enough.

I don't feel a sudden twinge of jealousy anymore. I've long decided to ignore that harsh emotion because it does me no good.

All I feel is a cold, disconcerting chill travel up my spine, spreading to my fingertips and toes like a plague. It makes my cheeks flush with humiliation because it's become so plain to everybody what he doesn't want me. It sculpts my heart into a stone stature, inpenetrable but disintegrating.

I sit down numbly next to him, since he plopped down beside Leon and instantly begins talking with him. He ignores my presence almost as much as Leon seems to be taking whatever Sora is saying with slight disregard, like he's already bored with him.

I wish that I could honestly say that I was glad that Sora was going to have his work cut out for him with this Leon character. But I'm took glued to the fact that Sora is slipping away again.

I'm all too familiar with the sick process.

His large, wide captivating eyes will blink, dark eyelashes curled; he'll offer a shy smile, not too big, but he tugs at the corner of his lips until he achieves this awestruck, crooked smile. And he'll chat pleasantly and animatedly, cracking soft jokes that are stupid as hell but you can't help but laugh at him.

It's like I've already lost and the race hasn't even begun yet.

I drop my head into my hands, sighing, my eyes downcast and I try to interest myself with Terra and Namine's idling conversation, but all I can hear is Terra agreeing with confident "Yeah!" and "I know what you mean!"

I feel a gentle hand pat my shoulders and I look up, meeting Kairi's concerned blue eyes. I smile weakly, removing my hands from my face.

She looks rather annoyed and she shoots a wicked glare at Sora who's too endorsed into Leon to notice.

She sits down next to me, crossing her arms and huffing. "So how long has it been now?" she asks sharply.

I don't answer. I'm actually kind of pissed that she had to bring it up. It's not like I don't already see what's going on with my own two eyes. I don't need a fucking onlooker to confirm what I already know.

I'm losing him.

Hell. I lost him years ago.

Kairi sighs as I lean backwards against the metal bleachers, folding my arms. I try my best to ignore Sora who's back is kneading into my side.

"Why-"

"Can we please not do this, Kairi?"

She opens her mouth to argue, looking slightly offended but before she has time to slip a bitter retort, the administrator's gruff voice floods the entire gymnasium.

I breathe a sigh of relief because I manage to avoid another one of Kairi's 'I-told-you-so' lectures and because this interrupts Sora's conversation and forces him to turn around and somewhat acknowledge my presence.

I sound so fucking pathetic right now.

I hate this about myself. I truly despise it. I hate that I let him take advantage of me the way he does. I'm like a damn lovesick puppy after him, no matter how many times he hurts me or ignores me as if I'm invisible, I come crawling back to him.

I refuse to act the part of jealous boyfriend, so I don't drape my arm over his shoulder to pull him nearer or reach for his hand. Besides, I know how he'll react.

He'll look at me, mildly bemused at the thought that he's angering me and he'll taunt me, waving my own pathetic weakness in my face.

I fucking hate him for it.

His arm curls under my thigh, resting there. This is another gesture that I know too well.

What's more provacative and rousing than someone you can't have? That's the impression he is going for. Sora must really have the hots for this guy. Well, he's actually an impulsive fool too.

But his arm across my leg suggests that he's already in a serious relationship and that if anyone is even moderately interested in him, they were going to have to prove their worth to him.

I thought I had proven myself years ago.

Despite the resentment that blisters in my blood, I still give in to his loving touch, as falsely acted it may be, and my hand automatically reaches around his thin waist, fingers curling under the bottom of his shirt, lifting the fabric up just enough so that an inch of his brown, sunkissed skin is exposed.

I don't even hear what the administrators are lecturing about. It's not even nine yet and they're droning on and on about some stupid shit that no one cares about anyway. We're seniors. We've been here for four years now, and we know the rules, though we don't always follow them.

Finally, they dismiss us and everyone starts to get up, retrieving their bags from the bleachers. Sora is up on his feet immediately, resuming his earlier conversation with Cloud. He's following the tall blonde to the aisles where students are crowding to reach the ground floor.

I grab my bag and his that he neglected. Kairi frowns as I trod after them, my entire domeanor disheartened. Terra catches up with the two of us, smiling smugly.

"What? Landed a date with Namine finally?" Kairi asks, eyes rolling as Terra scratched the back of his head, slightly flustered.

"Maybe?"

I chuckled at my friend, shaking my head. He was a hopeless romantic.

"By date she means studying at the library or something, right?" I prod.

Terra glares heatedly at me. "At least my date isn't roaming off with the new kid," he points out, much to my displeasure.

I can't say I didn't deserved that after my low blow to his ego. He hadn't summoned the courage to ask Namine on more than just a date in the study hall.

Truth is engrossed in his words. Sora is paced nearly ten strides ahead of us, earnestly talking to Leon about his class schedule.

Fuck. He pisses me off so badly and I just let his indifference to me and my desperate emotions roll across my back like it's nothing.

He knows he does it too. That's the second worst thing about our twisted relationship.

God. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate us.

He turns around, eyes suddenly longing and he quickly mutters something to Leon before prancing back towards me. He nudges his head under my left arm, taking my hand with his right and squeezing almost reassuringly. That was unexpected.

I honestly expected him to continue walking with Leon, expected him to forget that I even existed.

I swear half the time he acts like I'm some mirage.

I don't fucking exist to him unless he manifests me. Only when he wants me.

Kairi glares disapprovingly of him.

It's funny how much their relationship has changed since highschool.

While Sora and I were the perfect couple, Kairi and him were the epitome of best friends.

Then he started royally fucking up his life, sleeping around and absorbing himself into drugs and the club and he became as indifferent to her as he is to me. It's like he doesn't care whether or not he hurts us because he can just conjure us up again with one painstaking cry.

I can't entirely force the blame on him. Kairi and I are the stupid idiots who allow him to get away with it. It's as much our faults as it is his.

Kairi's still glaring at him and I know what's coming next but there's nothing I can do. Terra seperates both of us and Leon and Yuffie coincidently come to a stop at a set of red lockers right as she opens her mouth.

"Wow. How long has it been Sora?" She hesitates for emphasis. Then nearly shouts, catching everyone's attention within a freaking ten-mile radius, including Leon, "Less than a day and you're already moving on to the next guy? Must be a new record!"

Leon raises his dark eyebrows questioningly and Sora's face is burning as bright and red as a ripe tomato. He suddenly becomes subdued, leaning away from me so that our hands are our only connection.

Kairi's done it.

She's humiliated him in front of the whole school...well, the whole senior class. And worst, in front of his new lust interest. Yeah,lust. Not love.

I don't know wether to be grateful or furious with her for hurting his feelings. I mean, it's great that someone's finally calling him out on all his shit. But still, he looks as if he's about to cry.

Sora may be an impulsive, selfish hard-ass, but he's sensitive.

Words. I know the saying goes, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," but Sora is a special case. Actions are just robotic intentions to him. That's why nearly all of his relationships abide by sex. Words mean the most to him.

I know.

He's been hurt by words alone. And I've intentionally hurt him with words.

Like last week before the stupid kid took off in the drenching downpour. I meant what I said when I told him he was good at fucking up his life.

The absence of words, things left unsaid, hurts him more than words by themselves.

I'm convinced that was the reason he left, disregarding the rain. When I don't say I'm sorry after a fight or tell him everything will be fine, he takes it personal. Like you don't love him enough or you don't care if he knows what's on your mind.

That's why I lean down and flick my tongue across his ear lobe. "Ignore her," I say, even though I think she's hit the nail on the head.

But I love Sora too much to watch his vulnerable walls fall apart at one angry lash. His lip quivers and I suddenly want to smack Kairi across the face.

I hate seeing him so upset, and even worse because I know no matter what I do to comfort him, it won't be enough.

It's never enough.

Now you see how twisted and demented our relationship is, why we can't last longer than a week anymore. That's why I know our little escapade before school started and the unspoken agreement that we were together again is over before it began.

I was stupid to think that Sora would only have eyes for me. He wanders and wonders.

This time, I pull away from him, keeping him at my arm's length apart. I'm pulling him along into our first period Psychology class.

How ironic, really.

Me, Sora, Kairi, Terra, Aqua, Axel, Roxas, and Namine all in the same class period. I feel horrible for the teacher.

Any class with that many of our clique was in for an interesting period filled with drama, inuendos, and constant bickering.

The bell rings and thankfully, that damn new kid isn't here. At least, not yet.

But when the teacher, a thin woman with russet hair, Ms. Paine, calls down the list alphabetical list of students in the class, his name isn't mentioned.

Thank God.

I can only harbor so much shit from Sora and Kairi at once. I don't claim to be perfect, but I'm damn good at keeping my emotions under strict control.

I may snap at my friends or retort with mild humor, but I don't shout, don't yell or raise my voice. I've nearly perfected the cold shoulder act.

It was something I had to master when I first dated Sora, and even before that.

When we were kids, the slightest hint of disappointment sent him reeling, no, careening down this unstable emotional ride. I never raised my voice to him. Not when we were kids, and not now.

He can't handle yelling.

And I can't handle losing my temper to an uncontrollable point. Because I can't stand hurting him.

Why?

Because as much as I hate the wandering bastard, I love him with every ounce of fiber in my body. I yearn to keep him by my side, but I also want him to be happy, and if that means that I'm sliced out of the picture, then so be it.

I watch him carefully from the distance between our desks. I don't want to outright comfort him, because he'll only brush off my sympathy all the while making me look like an overprotective, clingy friend.

I look for familiar flashes in his cerulean eyes. I look to see if he's still jaw set and determined to push past Kairi's arrogant taunts and move forward with this Cloud character.

But after a few minutes, I realize that maybe he's not going to try after all.

I know this because he starts heeding me more attention, sliding our desks together when Ms. Paine passes out one of those student information sheets to fill out.

We all groan. Four years of the same procedure. It never got old. What did the teachers really do with the information we gave them? I mean, they didn't honestly give a shit about our favorite hobbies or ice cream. Really it was just a pathetic excuse to waste the first day of school.

We didn't mind, but it was still annoying to fill out the same sheet with few varied answers every first day of school.

Sora leans into my shoulder, reaching across my body and taking my sheet off my desk, eyes staring suspiciously at me. I'm curious to know what he's playing at.

As much as I know Sora, there's still so much that I don't understand about him. Like this. One second he's moping because of Kairi's wicked comment, and the next, he's cuddling next to me, a fehverent glint in his eyes.

His eyes wander across the page and he begins writing in the spaces left under each question. "Name...Riku Karada. Sex..." He looks up at me, his brilliant eyes deep in thought. "Well, from the looks of it," he starts, tugging lightly at my long hair. "I would have to say female. Deinfitely." He starts scribbling his answer on the paper in small, messy print.

I frown at him. "Two can play at that game," I growl, reaching across him and sliding his paper across our desks. What a petty blow. Of course, it does kind of bother me how people's first impressions of me are that I look like a girl because of the length of my hair.

It's not unreasonably long, just barely brushing my shoulder blades. And that's another thing. It's not like I have a feminine physique. But that's just what people first notice I guess. But no matter the truth behind it, I'm not letting him get away with it. He starts it. I finish it. Every. Single. Time.

"Sora Hikari," I write, much more neater and legible. I skim down the long list of poitless questions. "Here's one," I comment slyly, taking notice of the look of mock interest Sora is giving me. "What do you like to do on weekends?"

Well, that's easy. "Going out clubbing and sleeping around."

He opens his mouth to protest, but I'm not done. "Oh wait..." I pause dramatically, "you do that every other day, so I guess that doesn't really count."

He glares icily at me, his small lips pinching together to form a frown.

"Asshole," he snaps.

"You started it," I pointed out.

He quickly scans my sheet, searching vainly for another question he can twist against me.

I'll admit it, it was a shot below the belt, but he deserved it. He had it coming. He can't expect to not get shit back after he dishes it out so daringly.

"Here's one," I say, and I watch as his face falls. He's preparing himself for another cold insult. His mucles tense and he frowns again.

"What is one physical feature that you like the most about yourself?"

His eyes widen, almost in fear or confusion that I'm going to say something that might damage his ego. Not that he needs it from me. He gets enough shit from everybody else as it is.

My brow furrows in false concentration as I take in his features. His eyes are...beautiful. Maybe that's cliche, but it's raw honesty. His eyes are just so...deep and exuberant; you never quite know what swirls through those magnificent eyes.

But I've seen his eyes narrow with anger and malice, and I hate when he gets like that. His eyes define him. And when they harbor such contempt, I am repulsed to it.

But there's one thing that never changes.

I lean closer to him, planting small, chaste kisses from his ear, across his jawline and stop at the corner of his lips. He offers a timid smile. "Smile," I say finally, my breath on his lips. Bright, white teeth, tiny fanged molars, ability to brighten a rainy day. Yeah, that was cheesy and cliche, but once again, it's the truth.

His cheeks flush with embarrassment at the compliment. I've missed that about him. That simplistic naivity.

He's not used to it. After all, most of the time, we're at each other's throats, daggers out. It's...nice.

I catch Kairi glaring at Sora's back and I wonder if he can feel the intensity of her eyes boring into him. It was unsettling.

I write my answer down and he nuzzles closer into my chest, hand resting against my collarbone. "I hate my smile," he says finally.

I roll my eyes at his own stupidity. I know why he says those things.

Because he wants sympathy, pity that I refuse to give him. He knows how much I adore him, how much I love him.

Love. That word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Kairi and Terra and Axel, basically the entire school population doesn't understand why I still love him. Truth be told, I don't really know it myself.

It's a confusing emotion. Sometimes I can't stand the bastard. The way he purposely angers me just to see my reaction or the way he crawls back to me, almost humoring that single word that I believe in. Love.

But I've decided that love is a jumbled, mysterious force. It's what pits us against each other, when we literally try and beat the shit out of each other; it's what makes me save that side of the bed for him, knowing that there's an enormous probability that he won't be there the next morning. And it's what keeps him running back to me after he's been hurt.

Everytime.

He wonders and wanders.

Because he's too engrossed in impulsive experiences and blind to know what's right in front of him.

But once again, for the time being, I'm simply content that he's here and that we're actually enjoying each other's company, letting our snide remarks roll over our shoulders like its nothing, like they're just jokes and nothing more.

Our time together is rudely interrupted by a loud, obnoxious bell, ringing and echoing down the hallways, indicating a class change.

He furiously scratches out where I wrote that he sleeps around on his paper before we have to turn it in. Whoops. I forgot that I had actually written that. I ignore where he circled the capitalized "F" stating that I was a girl. I don't care. Ms. Paine might get a laugh out of it.

Riku Karada. Girl. His hair's long enough.

Only Terra is in my next class. Sora had decided that he wanted to take Human Anatomy just as a core elective class to see if he enjoyed it. Kairi took the class with him. I'm sure Sora is especially ecstatic to have another class with Kairi after their little argument. So I'm left, just me and Terra.

Not. There's the brunette girl that was sitting next to Leon. Yuffie, I believe was her name. She just walked in, quiet and schedule in hand.

I don't heed her much attention as she discovers a seat diagonally across from Terra, mostly because we're immediately told to get quiet and prepare for a test of everything we should know. Stupid fucking AP Calculus.

I don't know why I signed up for these more challenging classes. I guess that's why I don't go out like Sora does. The doofus. He hates school. He just can't seem to comprehend why we need to learn all these things when we could spend time learning about ourselves. What a sappy excuse.

I can't get my mind off of him. Or the Leon character for that matter. I'm...nervous, afraid.

Sora was probably just playing with me earlier, acting as an apology out of guilt when Kairi yelled at him.

I wind up missing the last two pages of this damn test because my mind is being plagued by all of the possibilities that could happen between Sora and Leon that would ruin us for good. Every single one of them has happened to us before. Luckily, we made it out still bound to each other by some stroke of luck.

I have a bad feeling about Leon.

Sora completely dropped all of his bearings and common sense and disregarded his entire relationship for this kid he knew absolutely nothing about. Kairi's words shouldn't have affected him as much as they did.

It unnerved me more than anything. I mean, Sora was an impulsive fool. I think that just about sums up who he is. But damn. Kairi had a credible point. He was moving fast.

I catch up with him later that day as lunch comes around, and he's wearing this wide, excited grin and his eyes are positively jumping. And I wonder what's got him so happy. I can't remember the last time he had looked that way when I was with him.

Fuck. That's pathetic.

Kairi walks by us, disgust written all across her face and once again, I get this tingling sensation and I feel my face heat up involuntairily. Something's wrong. I know it.

Sora happy; Kairi pissed.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize what was going on.

Sora's suddenly chatting excitedly to someone. Squall Leonhart. I'm not depressed or crestfallen this time. I'm pissed. Sora's fucking antics are really starting to throw me off.

I have a bad feeling about Sora's indecision when it comes to me and other guys, and I have a really, really bad feeling about Leon.

_So that was Riku's POV. Things make any more sense? Well, they're not really supposed to because neither of them know exatly what they want. Anyways, the stupid small talk parts were really killing me and I had this massive writer's block so I kind of just forced random stuff out, which means I most likely will fix this chapter. Please review. Remember, anything, concerns, spelling errors, ideas, thoughts and anonymous comments are all appreciated!_


	4. Chapter 4

_Here is the fourth chapter. I think I'm changing the title of the story to Saving Grace, due to my plans for the rest of the story. _

_Thank you to all of the reviewers and thank you for your patience! Thanks to Verovex, NekoSparky, lady Alexas, Rikus-Wife-XD, Phantasmal Abduction, Arcadia Moonspark, Your Alien, Chrisdaee13, xXJuliets SecretXx, Divine Soul, and Eus-mylus for your reviews!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters sadly. Just my own storyline._

_Pairings: Officially SoraRiku, SoraAnsem, SoraCloud, AxelRoxas, SoraLean, later Riku will be paired some more. But basically it's SoraxA lot of people. Dang, that still sounds bad._

_Warning: This is a YAOI! And there are many scenes of it contained in this story. You've been warned. Also rated for language._

Sora's POV

Riku seems unnaturally aggravated with me.

I intertwine our fingers under the lunch table, stroking his palm with my thumb reassuringly.

I know why he's upset and on end, back stiffened in his chair. It's because of me. I know he's uncomfortable with Leon's presence, and he's usually the last person to pass on judgment. But Leon threatens our relationship. Why? Because I'm immediately attracted to him.

He's taller than Riku, larger, more defined muscles, and this look that flashes across his face. He's not shy...but he's distanced from the others, reserved and mysterious.

His narrow, sky-blue eyes are captivating and every time he moves, his muscles ripple beneath his top.

I couldn't go as far as to say that he was more attractive than Riku. Riku has these deep, aquamarine eyes that contrast strikingly with his silver hair and pale skin.

None of my boyfriends, past, present, or future could compare physically to him. I wish he knew that.

The way he refuses to react to my touch is a little disconcerting. I lean heavily against his stone frame and reveal our clasped hands from beneath the table, setting it in my lap. All of this is done while I'm talking to Leon. He raises his eyebrows a little and the shy smile on his face falters for a millisecond.

He's having second thoughts about pursuing me now. Because I've cleverly labeled myself as "taken".

This isn't like some demented game that I've mentally created in my head. No, this is just me. I've learned what entices a guy to chase you even when you're long gone. I mean, Riku's my solid, tangible proof right there.

Well, maybe he doesn't really count. Because I'm the one who regularly sleeps with him. But on the other side of the spectrum, Riku hasn't been with anyone else since me. That's been four agonizing, conflicting years.

"How long have you and..." he motions towards Riku's turned face, "been together?" His voice is oddly controlled.

I shrug. "We're on and off," I admit, disguising my voice in a whisper so that we won't be overheard by Riku. I don't want to purposely hurt his feelings, especially after the dainty compliment earlier.

He rarely illustrates his affection for me with words anymore, mostly because we're often busy insulting each other and shouting strings of crude curses to piss the other person off.

Leon chews on his lip thoughtfully, sitting back in his seat. I feel my cheeks blush slightly.

"That wasn't my question," he says harshly, enough to make me redden more but not trying to push me away. He just wants answers before he goes off with some kid he's never known before.

"Umm, there's not really a numerical value," I say truthfully. "But...the longest we were together without officially breaking up was about a year."

I figured that Leon would be able to sum up the truth anyways, and I didn't want him to hear it from anyone besides me. If Kairi was to reveal that, my name would be slathered with repulsion and distaste. I'm basically the antagonist in her life.

Well, now I am.

I remember vaguely when we used to be joined at the hip; best friends.

Sure, she still exuberated the same sarcastic undertone in her voice that strived to diminish your confidence, but it was always in a teasing manner that you knew wasn't meant from the heart.

Things sure have changed.

I think our relationship is more crumbled than mine and Riku's. No matter what shit I pull, like getting pathetically hammered, waiting outside his door at three in the morning or fucking some stranger at the club and then coming home, shirt wrinkled and skin sticky and climbing into bed with him like nothing happened, no matter what, he still always opens his arms up.

Kairi would rather have her skin burned and filleted off than put up with that.

She disapproves of our relationship so much, but she knows that the second she argues or shoots below the belt with me, that Riku suddenly stands in her way.

Since then, we only share passing moments without strangling each other.

Like this morning. When we had that short, but meaningful embrace. It meant that we were still friends, that she utterly despised the direction I was swerving my life to, but she wasn't going to give up on me.

"Freshman year," I finish explaining with a deep breath, peeking up at Leon to see his reaction.

He only nods solemnly. I've never dealt with someone of this caliber before. He doesn't look revolted which boosts my low self-esteem marginally.

Friends. We have to start as friends. Leon isn't going to be someone that I can simply seduce and move on with. And I'm not so sure that that's what I want this time.

Something different. Leon is someone different. A different approach is what I'm going to have to use. For now, I have to control my damn raging hormones and be satisfied with his friendship.

I smile shyly, and slowly wrap a scrawny arm around Riku's waist, finally attaining his attention. His eyes are narrowed in an icy glare that softens when he finds that Leon and I are closing our blundering conversation.

"Have your priorities straight yet?" He asked, a slight growl glazing his voice, but he still pulls me protectively into his lap, arm around my waist and hand caressing my thigh.

He sets his head on my shoulder and I crane my neck backwards, teeth grazing his ear lobe. His finger hooks into the hem of my jeans, eradicating my breathing for a moment. I nearly forget that Leon is watching every single movement that we're making.

"What are my priorities supposed to be?" I ask mockingly.

"School, your studies, and not fucking the first new kid you see at school."

Leon starts chuckling, almost sounding like a deep growl, as he watches me protest.

"You two are like a married couple," he remarks coolly. Riku's lips curved upwards and he was actually smiled at Leon.

I'm embarrassed, cheeks burning and my blood is running warm. What was Riku playing at? Wasn't he supposed to be the loving boyfriend who didn't give a fuck what I did? When did he suddenly become...jealous?

I struggle against his arms, clearly demonstrating my urgency to punch him. Kairi was the one who embarrassed me in front of complete strangers, not him.

"Chill," he comments, restraining me and pinning my arms to my side.

"You're such a fucking-"

He claps a hand to my mouth and his fingers brush my lips. I do the only thing I can think of, and I disregard the fact that Leon, my new love interest, is watching intensely. I bite down. Hard.

"What the fuck, Sora!" Riku shouts, hitting me across the back to release his fingers. He pulls away as I gasp, and I see angry, red welts imprinted on the digits. One is even bleeding.

"You started it!" I snap as he shakes his hand in the air, trying to relieve the pain. "Who ended it this time?"

Wow. We are so ridiculously immature. We're not like a married couple. We're like two fucking little kids arguing about stupid, petty things.

Our lunch table, and several surrounding it, became quiet, turning their undivided attention at our argument. After realizing that it's just the two of us, they ignore our rather loud discussion.

"I'll fucking end it right here!"

I don't think I realized how badly I pissed him off earlier. I expect his fist to collide into my mouth or something, not what happened next.

Arms and legs hidden underneath the table after our hassle, he shoves a hand between my legs, suddenly grabbing my jean clad length.

A moaned cry escapes my lips as his hand creates electrifying friction and heat in my groin, and this time, I slap a hand over my own mouth, biting my tongue and clenching my jaw to prevent myself from moaning out loud. My face heats up as Leon's eyes bore into mine.

I feel tears pricking angrily at the corners of my eyes.

"You fucking bastard!" I scream, my hoarse voice catching in my throat.

Now he's done it. Now I've done it. It sounds like the entire lunchroom is specifically fixated on our table. He rubs me hard in a matter of a few seconds before I finally wrestle out of his grip, storming away, ignoring Leon's wide eyes.

Sick, demented freak. I hate him. I never knew he would go so low as to fucking arouse me in public.

Stupid bastard. That was getting back at me, but for what? Being friendly? It's not like I was advancing on Leon or anything. I was holding hands and everything with him. Him! Not Leon.

I sniffed loudly as I reached one of the school's bathroom, slamming the door into the first stall and sitting against the wall, head hiding in my knees. I wasn't really hard enough for a release. In fact, the heat that had started to build became an unnoticeable simmer. He hadn't really gone to the point of no return. Thank God I escaped.

But just the fact that he...

God I hate him. Leave it to Riku to be the one to fuck things up when we were okay for the time being.

I knew I had to stop. What high school boy cowered in the bathroom, crying?

I wasn't really crying, mostly just furiously blinking back tears.

Thoroughly mortified twice in one day; I hope they are both fucking happy. I hope they can sleep at night, knowing that they fucking ruined my life.

I know I sound like a damn drama queen right now, but that's exactly what it feels like.

Shit. Leon probably won't ever speak to me again. Besides, I'm too humiliated to talk to him again.

Riku was never going to hear the end of it from me when we got home.

Never. He better hope his bedroom door locks and that he owns a pair of headphones, because he is never going to hear the end of it from me.

The bell sounds obnoxiously, echoing against the tiled bathroom walls, making me jump in shock.

Fuck. Time to face the entire school again. I'm still in disbelief that Riku did that. I must really have pissed him off earlier.

This is our relationship from hell.

Slowly, I stand to my feet, stretching my cramped muscles. I unlock the stall door and check my haughty appearance in the dirty mirror, inspecting my eyes. Luckily, I don't look like I've been crying. At least one thing is working in my favor.

I head towards my next classroom with my head down, intently watching my feet.

Damnit. I left my bag at the lunch table.

Great. And I thought things were looking up for me. I guess not.

I slide into a chair towards the back of the room of my next class, trying to be as discreet as possible. I refuse to attract more attention to mine and Riku's demise than already has.

Thanks to that stupid dick, I am completely unprepared for class. Not like it matters anyway.

It's not like I pay attention.

I hate school. I don't understand why the hell he takes these difficult, college-level classes. I suppose I technically could apply for those classes, but there's too much tedious work and studying.

An audible sigh escapes my lips and I fold my arms across my wooden desk, resting my spinning head against the cool surface. This first day has been more eventful and distressing than I'm used to. Usually, our pathetic and useless conflicts last a few minutes of the day, though they seem purposely scheduled either in the morning where I am forced to endure the guilt ebbing in my side for the entire day, or at night so we both have to grudgingly sleep in the same bed.

Our relationship must really be disintegrating if we can't hold off of each other for an entire day. It's been nonstop bickering since this morning. It's pathetic.

Someone prods me in the back with their forefinger, something I promptly ignore. I'm in a bitter mood and I really don't feel like talking to anyone.

The prodding continues and finally, my simmering anger boils over.

"Fuck off-"

I clap a hand to my mouth, eyes wide open with astonishment, mentally cursing my damn tongue. The finger belonged to none other than Leon.

"S-sorry," I mumbled, trying to hide my face. My cheeks are flooded with humiliation.

How many times have I been publicly humiliated today? Once because of Kairi and her obnoxious mouth, once because of Riku and his unexpected bout of jealousy, and then finally, by my own damn stupidity.

Damnit, damnit, damnit.

"You left your bag," he says indifferently, reaching down and lifting my black and silver backpack off the floor.

"T-thanks," I mumble gratefully, interesting myself intently on the lined patterns of the wooden desk. I'm still infuriated with myself.

"Do you guys always fight this badly?" He asks, leaning back heavily in his seat, crossing his arms.

I glance up nervously, meeting his steady gaze. He doesn't look annoyed, just thoughtful.

I nod, my eyes saddening. "We didn't used to be this bad," I explain, nimbly fingering the wooden strands decorating the desk. "It used to be...nice...now's it just-"

"Sex?"

My head shoots up and my eyes widen with fright, my mouth agape. "I...uhh...what?" I stammer, disbelieving the words that he had just uttered.

Leon shrugs, brushing his blonde bangs out of his eyes to stare at me with his direct, piercing eyes. "I've heard some things," he explains.

I can't help it. The tears that I've managed to disclose this entire miserable day finally falter. Tears start briskly running down my tan cheeks.

I was utterly stupid to believe that maybe he wouldn't hear anything about my infamous reputation. Steady streams of gossip and cruel curses have followed me since my first break-up with Riku. Rumors have spread like a wild fire around the school; they got around as much as I did.

Still, I hadn't expected them to reach Leon before the first day of school had even finished.

He stared at me, completely dumbfounded at my unforeseen reaction.

He sits straight up in his chair, hand instinctively brushing my hair out of my waterlogged eyes.

"I didn't mean anything by it," he says earnestly. I shake my head, tears springing into the air.

A brisk snap of a ruler against the white board secures my attention and I turn numbly in the seat, head cowering in my arms as the tears blatantly refuse to stop.

Everything I am contained in that one, notorious word. Whore.

Slut. Whatever the fuck they want to call it.

Self-loathing withers my already low self-esteem away. I'm diminished to mere skin and bones, incapable of feelings other than lust, rage, and dejection.

Leon chooses to mind his own business, for which I'm grateful for. I need time to gather my bearings again.

Crying on the first day of school.

Well, there's a first time for everything.

The bell rings and I feel like I've been wallowing in my own self-pity for only a few, mere seconds.

I sling my bag across my shoulder and start forward, hopelessly trying to vacate the room before Leon could unintentionally devalue me again.

My tears have finally subsided, but I sure as hell don't trust them not to return. I just want to go home.

Shit. That means Riku's place. I don't have another place to go unless I aimlessly wander around the glum streets and feebly curl into a ball in a gutter somewhere.

Leon is following close behind, eager to pull me aside and figure out why his comment had troubled me. I walk faster, narrowly dodging elbows and scurrying bodies as students stream out of their classrooms.

I'm hoping I can evade him in the clustering hallway.

Of course, it's just me and my wishful thinking.

He's in my next period. Gym, of all classes. Where my mischievous eyes can scrounge his body hungrily.

I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings when he made the sudden comment, and I wasn't really upset with him. I was angry at the world. Angry because my constant struggles to find a meaningful relationship are never-ending.

And angry because in worldly terms, it meant that I was tramp.

He doesn't pester me for information, but he hovers behind me like he's aching to figure me out. This whole day has been so mortifying though. I just can't face him. And plus, I'm still seething at Riku.

I've gone from anger to humiliation to desolation back to anger again. I'm exhausted already. I dress out numbly, focusing intently on pulling my gym shorts over my slim hips.

I'm almost dangerously skinny, thinner than most of the girls that go to this forsaken school. And there's literally not an ounce of fat on my body. I have average defined muscles, just enough to ward off a common speculation that I'm anorexic. That's exactly how frail my body looked.

The whole damn female population of the school had thought at one point, that I was anorexic.

As morbid as this sounds...I self-mutilate myself, whether it was desperately cutting to feel alive or whatever the fuck people like that said, or cruelly punishing my stomach by forcing myself to retch. Morbid.

It's never enough to really punish myself, just enough to remind me that I'm human.

My stomach twists uncomfortably just thinking about it. It's sick. I get easily nauseated, hence my passing out after getting jumped by the gang. Endless physical pain is too...gradual. If I ever became so inanely desperate that I felt the clawing urge to cripple my own body, it would be something quick and painless.

Luckily, I had never demolished my esteem to the point of no return. But I had increasingly started to close the gap between simply proclaiming my uncertainty to taking action.

To be completely honest, I don't think much of myself physically. My comment about hating my smile, the one that made Riku inwardly roll his eyes, was just one of my features that I hated about myself.

It was just too big, too wide...

And too fake.

My eyes. I adored the color, I really did, but they were also too big. I felt like they took up half my face.

My knees. Knobby and lightly scarred from my childhood, scraping limbs against the rough pavement.

The least I could say for myself was, at least I was proportionate.

This is how poorly I regard myself.

Worse than a girl, I know.

Maybe this was the consequence of getting around. It's not like I meant anything more than a piece of ass to any of my dates anyway. So I suppose that after months of exposing myself to their reckless words started to rub off on me.

I'm the last one out of the locker room.

Or so I thought. As I lazily shut my locker, tossing the lock inside because I can't remember the dumb combination anyways, I realize Leon is still standing a few feet away.

His arms are crossed and he leans heavily against a set of lockers. "Sorry about earlier," he says in a rough voice.

I cringe at his pity. I don't need it. But I sigh, gingerly lifting my head to look directly into his eyes.

For a while, I've forgotten the persona that I've been playing up. I flash a smile, knowing that it didn't quite meet my eyes.

"Don't worry about it," I assure him, shrugging. "I get it a lot. It's not like I don't deserve it."

He frowns, his eyes narrowing in a fierce glare at my frank disposition.

"Why demoralize yourself?"

"Why do you care?" I didn't mean to sound so hostile, but Leon was confusing me. I just didn't understand what he wanted from me, what he was playing at. No one before him had cared about my tainted name.

He shrugs, ignoring the irritation in my voice. "We should get out of here before people start thinking we're doing stuff in here," he comments, walking briskly across the room.

I don't really give a shit what they think anymore. But for his sake and unadulterated reputation, I agree solemnly.

Did I mention before that I hated school? Well, I did, and gym was no exception.

Mostly, I kept to myself, refused to participate in flag football or any other sport that would allow some perverted freak to grope me. At least I had some virtue left. Though only marginally.

I kept my distance from him, and he did the same to me. I really had to think some things over.

Starting with Riku.

With Leon leaving me to my own mangled thoughts, I returned my attention on Riku and his barbarous behavior. Without a distraction to distant my thoughts, I immediately plotted revenge on his low attack.

He's angered me before, but he had never accomplished this much of a retaliation from me.

That's because he took it too far.

I didn't speak to Leon for the rest of the day, too preoccupied in my own scrambled thoughts.

When the bell rang, instead of venturing out to the school parking lot to accompany him home, I pivoted on my heel and took to the beige sidewalk, just strolling, sparing my time before I had to face his malice.

Or my malice. He probably knew it was coming.

I'm not paying attention where I'm walking, I'm too immersed in my own raging mind to notice anything, when I slam into what feels like a brick wall. I gasp, losing my balance and falling ungracefully to the ground.

"Ow," I hiss, rubbing my shoulder irritably as I look up to see who or what I walked into.

It's Axel, someone you could easily pick out of a crowd, what with his bright red spikes that jets down his back, making him look like an oversized porcupine.

"Fuck, Sora, you okay?" He offers a strong hand, which I take gratefully.

"M'alright," I mutter, brushing off dirt from my shirt and stooping over to collect my fallen bag.

He looks at me with these piercing green eyes, so much like Riku's, narrowed in thin slits like he's suspicious about something.

"What are you doing walking home?" He asks, stuffing his hands in his pockets and striding along as if we had been talking the entire time. "I thought that..."

I roll my eyes. "He's an asshole," I snap bitterly, cutting him off, "in case you didn't notice at lunch."

Axel gave me this hopeless look, sighing deeply. "So...what's up with you and this Squall guy?"

I snap my head up and glare icily at him, growling low in my throat. "Nothing. Whatever shit you've heard from Riku isn't true. He's just being an insensitive, jealous bastard," I retort.

"Kairi, actually," he admits, ignoring the sharpness of my tongue. "And she didn't say anything, she was just curious who you were trying to impress."

I roll my eyes moodily. I can't do anything about Kairi, but I sure as hell can kick Riku in his place. Quite literally, actually.

"Let's not indulge ourselves into the deep meaning of my sex life," I suggested mockingly.

I was already angry with two of my friends, and Axel meant nothing by it either. He was just curious. Everyone was. Although it was old news, there was always a string of curiosity that drew people in.

"What about you and Roxas?"

Axel shrugged, smiling appreciatively. "We're good," he says, nodding his head. "Better, actually. Not as interesting as you and your little facades though."

I wind up for a moment and punch him hard in the arm, being rewarded with a soft grunt.

"You pack a solid punch, punk," he comments in a bemused tone. "Riku better watch out."

You have no fucking idea.

Axel more or less walks me to Riku's house. Apparently, he's also heard that I got jumped a few weeks ago when I was out walking by myself.

Good God. What else does Riku confine in all his moronic friends?

Axel's taut little comments have just added to the trembling anger that's dormant inside me. Just more to take out on Riku.

Because, fuck, after today, he deserves it.

_That was it. _

_Like I said, there's an obvious maturity difference between Sora and Riku. Next chapter will be an infamous SoraRiku fight, then who knows what else._

_Please review. Remember, anything, concerns, spelling errors, ideas, thoughts and anonymous comments are all appreciated!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Here is the fifth chapter. Literally, I had 3/4ths of this chapter already written. It was the last fourth that took so long to write._

_Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers and their patience! Thanks to: lovelesssapphiregirl, ChocolateVamp, RukiRomance, xXJuliets SecretXx, DivineSoul, NekoSparky, Rikus-Wife-XD, xchildishinnocencex, lady Alexas, and khpokezeldafan!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters sadly. Just my own storyline._

_Pairings: Officially SoraRiku, SoraAnsem, SoraCloud, AxelRoxas, SoraLean, later Riku will be paired some more. But basically it's SoraxA lot of people. Dang, that still sounds bad._

_Warning: This is a YAOI! And there are many scenes of it contained in this story. You've been warned. Also rated for language._

Riku's POV

I knew I shouldn't have done it. It was stupid really, particularly immature and unorthodox.

But the bastard had it coming. And he knew it too. The way he forcibly flutters those resilant eyes in order to swoon his picks of the week, he was pratically begging for an outstanding reaction of rage out of me.

I honestly hadn't intended for our petty argument to escalade that high; I certainly hadn't secretly been plotting to embarrass Sora in front of anyone. Because I knew the almost sobering effect it had on him. I knew that those kind of blows left him subdued and withdrawn back into himself.

This was his warning from me. A transparent threat that I knew would clearly serve its purpose. He would, for the time being, keep his distance with Leon and refocus his undivided attention on me. That is, if I didn't anger him too much.

As I countlessly admit, I hate fighting with Sora, and I hate when I upset him to the point of trembling tears. So when the tears flooded in his eyes and his soft cheeks radiated with crimson flush, I immediately felt guilt prodding my conscious.

He took off hurriedly, abandoning his weightless school bag and leaving our entire table rendered speechless.

I almost never retaliate with actions.

Words. Because I know that they hurt him so badly.

Was I finally snapping? Furious with the tedious years of aimlessly chasing after him and convincing him to stay when I know that he won't.

I guess that's why the school body developed sympathy for me. Hopelessly addicted and in love with that damn Sora Harada. The fucking slut.

I cringed as that word bubbled behind my lips, leaving a vile taste in my mouth.

If only he knew how oblivious he was to all the verbal blows that I receive. Maybe he wasn't at all, just pretended like it.

I may have known Sora for a long time, but that didn't mean that he wasn't still an unsolved mystery to me. Sure, I had configured things out on my own, like his unbelievably cute single act that he orginally put to use against Leon.

The most confusing and adhereing thing about him was that no matter what, I still couldn't understand what he was looking for. Why I wasn't enough for him.

I sigh inadubily as the bell rings, indicating that this elongated, eventful period is over. I shrug out of my seat, tossing my own school bag over my shoulder. I see Leon's piercing stares travel to my stance to the forgotten book bag sitting in the chair between us.

"I don't see him next," I say bitterly, nodding my head towards him. He gives me a disconcerting look, and I know he's confused as ever about mine and Sora's dissapitated relationship.

I don't give a fuck though. Go on, go ahead and make yourself comfortable in Leon's arms, because you'll always come back. Always. Like a fucking dog that keeps coming back for more.

When Kairi approached me, shock spilling over her eyes, fists curled tightly, I knew I had gone too far.

"What the hell was that about?" She snapped.

"He deserved it," I answer nonchalantly.

"God, Riku," She groans, rubbing her temple achingly with her fingertips. "I have no room to say anything, but that was-"

"Yeah, you don't!" I retort loudly, causing her to flinch away. "So stay out of it."

Kairi narrows her eyes visciously at me as I raise a pale hand to wave her off. I wish that she would stop boring her eyes into the back of my head, but even as I scramble into my classroom, she's right there, behind me. Hell, she even sits right behind me as if to prove her point.

I don't want to hear her senseless lecture about how I was wrong to molest him in public. She had enough on her slate with him as it is. This morning's humiliation was just icing on top of the cake.

I become even more irritated when our teacher hands out another one of those stupid damn student information sheets. Not only do I have to fill out the same useless information, but now Kairi obtains another chance to plow me down with torrents of questions and accusations.

"Why did you do it?"

Damnit.

"He fucking bit me!" I argue, attempting to disguise the real motives. Biting my finger had only been the insistent nudge that sent me over the edge.

"Please," Kairi scoffed loudly, rolling her cerulean eyes at me. She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring rigidly at me.

"Fine!" I turn completely around in my seat, slamming my hand on her desk, ignoring the sting that's fizzing across my palm. "For the same goddamned reason that you and your fucking loud mouth decided to embarrass him this morning!"

She opens her mouth several times as if she's going to argue, but then her eyes soften and she frowns thoughtfully.

"I...just know what he's playing at, and it's not right."

I feel my muscles relax at her understanding words. "He makes it harder and harder to resolve our problems with just words."

It's true. I have to be so indifferently harsh with him nowadays, because kind words and the old disappointed ruse I use to use on him doesn't faze him anymore. It's like I'm forced to put him through hell just to keep him entertained.

"If he'd stop trying to fuck around with Squall..."

"Why are you so worried about him?"

I avert her eyes, jaw clenching as her words repeat soundlessly in my head.

"He's a threat," was all I could manage to say.

How am I supposed to say that I know deep in my cursed heart that Sora is going to go after him? Should I just blurt it out, black and white, leave no room for error or misinterpretation in the meaning behind the words.

It takes a downright fool to not see this.

"But he hasn't done anything yet," Kairi pipes up softly.

I chortle at the word. Yet.

"So, you want me to wait until the fucker leaves me for good then embarrass him publicly?"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Hey, can you guys take it down a notch," Someone asks crudely, poking me in the arm. I turn on cue and see the familiar sadistic smirk and bemused emerald-green eyes.

I was so preoccupied with Kairi and Sora that I had failed to notice that Axel was in our class, let alone, sitting directly next to my desk.

"Shut the hell up Axel."

I roll my eyes, ignoring his petty comment and returning my attention back over to Kairi. I didn't understand it.

One minute she's gone to stab Sora in the back, and the next, she's defending him.

She's like...me.

Fuck.

"Kairi," I start, leaning closer to her so that she and Axel would be the only ones that could hear me. "That's just the thing. I'm not going to sit here on my ass and wait for him to make a fucking fool out of me. If he wants to leave, fine, so be it. Him and his God forsaken libido can go fuck Squall."

She winces at my words. It's almost worse to hear them come from my lips, knowing that Sora doesn't give a shit about me. It's all in the act.

In order to keep myself from plummeting into a depression because he decides I'm not good enough for him, I create myself this careless mask.

"But I will have the last word when he does," I finish promptly.

Axel wolf-whistles. "When did it get this bad?"

Kairi raises her eyebrows in disbelief. "You're kidding right?"

He grins slyly, shrugging. "I guess I'm so divulged into this great relationship right now that I just don't pay attention anymore," he gloats.

Well, fuck. Sora used to be like that. We both used to. "Don't fuck it up," I advise him wisely.

He waves my advice off, rolling his eyes. "I thought he was with Cloud?"

"And he was...until he decided to run out in the pouring down rain, get his ass kicked by some damn gang, and then get sick."

Well, that's not entirely what happened, but Axel didn't need all the alluring details.

Of course, Cloud was also a fucking dick on two feet. Even Sora was getting exhausted by the amount of sex that he utmostly desired. I think that's what turned him off the most about Cloud. That, and the raunchy, nuclear waste dump that he claimed was a house.

Kairi looked worried at my words. "He got beaten up by a gang?"

Axel smirked, but this one held a tight frown. "You need to keep an eye on him. With the way he gets around, he's bound to get in more trouble than getting kicked in an alleyway."

No shit. If Sora wasn't more careful, he was going to find himself in a dire situation, where someone would relentlessly rape him or hurt him, and he would be impotently helpless.

I grounded my teeth at the morbid thought. It always consumed my mind like a dark, ominous cloud whenever he went out to a rave or club.

It hadn't happened yet. And even though Sora was far from a virgin, I knew that that kind of corrupt, sick demention would literally rip him apart.

Of course, just like the word commitment, careful wasn't quite in Sora's dictionary.

Damnit.

I knew that Sora was irrecoably enraged at me when he wasn't waiting by my black mustang.

Whatever. The stubborn bastard can walk home for all I care. Maybe this time he won't blindly stumble across a malicious mob.

It's nearly a relief when I get home and he still hasn't shown up at my door. It gives us both time to cool down and gather our bearings before we do something stupid like beat the shit out of each other.I keep the front door unlocked for him, and enter my home, heading straight for the bedroom. Usually, I can be found in the living room, snacking on popcorn or salty potatoe chips, lazily flipping through television channels.

But today, everything is out of the ordinary, and so instead of abiding by my normal routine, I find myself leaning against the headboard of my bed, forged into my homework. Stupid AP classes.

I already had Chemistry and Statistics homework. On the first day.

I sat in silence, forgetting to turn the television on up here, scribbling complicated math problems down and filling the room with the sounds of lead scratching across notebook paper and an occassional pause when I was chewing on the eraser.

School came easy to me. It always had. Plus, with the roller coaster full of problems that my relationship with Sora sent me on a ride on, homework and schoolwork kept me pleasantly busy.

Until I heard the front door slam so hard that the house seemed to shake on its foundation.

Fuck. Sora's here.

Here to defend his pathetic actions. Here to demand an apology from me for humiliating him.

I hear him stomping up the stairs, and I can barely brace myself for his fury, his fists clenched, face red.

I expect him to fully launch himself at me, teeth bared and tiny hands prepared to strangle. But he doesn't.

He stalks moodily up to the side of the bed, plopping himself down on the edge of the mattress with his arms crossed. He's seething inside, his arms shaking and his fingernails digging mercilessly into his arms, but he takes no notice of it.

"Why?" His wide eyes are narrowed into thin slits that I thought was physically incapable.

"Why what?"

"Don't fuck with me! Why the fuck did you do that?" He demands, his voice hoarse as if he had been crying. It wouldn't have surprised me.

I roll my eyes, trying to shove him away from me as he clamors onto my lap in a slightly compromising position.

Fuck. I can't think about the way he's straddeling my hips right now, his calves curling next to my knees, his comfortable weight shifting backwards...

"You don't know how to keep your hands to yourself!" He accusses.

Oh fuck no. I straighten up, causing him to fall backwards slightly.

"Like you're one to be talking! What the hell was up with that pathetic act of yours?"

His bottom lip juts out and he growls, fisting the collar of my shirt. "You fucking embarrassed me in front of-"

My eyes widen. "In front of what? Squall? You fucking deserved it! All over him like a damn slut!" I shout back, wrestling with his arms to release their iron-hold grip on my shirt.

He removes his arm for a fraction of a second, and I stupidly believe that he's going to give up and go cry in his own self-pity.

That was probably the stupidest thing I did all day.

He reared back and I felt his fist collide painfully into my nose, resounding a crunch, from his knuckles or my nose, I don't know, but blood starts to trickle into my mouth.

"Ow! God damnit Sora!" I had been holding back on him, letting him relentlessly take his anger out on me. "That fucking hurt!"

I shove him hard, with the hand that wasn't nursing my bloody nose, forgetting that he was on the edge of the bed. It's like slow motion.

There's those few seconds where his body almost seems to defy gravity, suspending in mid-air, his tan arms scrawling for anything to latch onto to keep him from falling, his eyes widening with that split-second that your stomach lurches.

He smacks his head hard against the wall, gasping softly in pain, before hitting the hardwood floor on his back, eyes rolling in the back of his head.

I didn't pay much attention to his fall, desperately plugging my nose with my fingers in an attempt to stop the slow bleeding.

"Ow."

The whimper stuns me.

Sora is an emotionless statue, except for anger and lust.

The whimper...frightens me. It's so...abnormal.

Neglecting my busted nose, I lean over the side of the bed and see the whites of his eyes beneath fluttering lashes.

Fuck!

"Shit! Sora!"

Fuck. I fucking hurt him! Though indirectly. But it doesn't matter.

Shit. Shit. Shit. I didn't mean for him to get knocked out.

I scramble off the bed and crouch over him, cupping his tan cheeks patting them softly to get him focused. "Shit. Sora, come on! Come back to me!"

He whimpers again and a single tear trails down his cheek, his eyes going crossed for a moment before he finally starts to come to.

I breathed a sigh of relief and pulled him into a sitting position, still holding his face, thumbs stroking the tear away.

"Fuck, are you all right?" I ask urgently, not waiting for a reply and hugging him close. "I didn't know you were so close to the edge."

That was as close as an apology as I was going for. I regretted him getting hurt, but I was still pissed at him.

He seemed to understand it and nodded, rubbing the back of his head, wincing.

"Come on," I say, standing up and offering him my hand. He takes it graciously, swaying slightly on his feet as he regains his balance.

I pull him onto the bed, curling his fragile body in my lap, gently strumming my fingers through his hair.

I feel him shudder as my nimble fingers brush the already forming bruise in his scalp.

"We've got to find healthier ways to fight," I murmer, trailing my fingers delicately over the coarse skin on the underside of his wrist.

It's revolting. And sick.

But Sora does it.

Has done it.

Continues to do it. And I desperately feel like there is nothing that I can do.

Self-mutilation.

Medium, crescent-shaped scars litter both his arms, cut perpindicular across his invisible, thrumming veins. Most of the lithe cuts are shallow, leaving the broken skin to mend on its own, forming pale, white scar tissue.

I feel his thin arms clench rigidly as my thumb traces a particularly large scar. I glanced worriedly upwards, dazed by the cloudy transgression in his eyes. The weight of his atrocious self-worth is a burden to everybody.

This started nearly two years ago, shocking all of his friends and teachers, who felt that they themselves were responsible. What could possibly have happened to force such an optimistic, carefree child to hurt himself like that?

He had stopped a while later, disgruntled by all the unwanted attention that surrounded his predicament, but the few months that he had drawn out still riddled our minds. Mine especially. He was self-destructing.

And if the cutting hadn't been enough.

I sighed as I let his arm drop limply by his side and cradeled his thin waist.

Too thin.

He barely ate. So little, in fact, it always startled me that he had energy enough to even stand on his own. He was already skinny as it was; he definitely didn't need to stop eating.

But his self-esteem is so irrationally corrupt. He's stopped voicing it, but I see the disgust in his eyes every time he intently gazes at his reflection. His eyes dart up and down the length of the mirror with distaste, a scowl planted across his face.

He thinks he's pudgy. I honestly don't know what the fuck that's about. I'll be damned if there's an ounce of fat on him. He's literally skin and bones.

He also hates his knees and his elbows because they're so bony. And yet, he doesn't eat.

His disoriented thought process is beyond me.

"Do you have homework?" I ask, stroking his unruly spikes in an obvious attempt to distract him from our argument just minutes before.

He shrugs his shoulders, sighing gratefully. "Probably."

"What do you mean probably? Don't you know?"

He grimaces. "Well, it's kind of hard to focus on school when my asshole of a boyfriend decides he wants to fuck around like an immature child."

I smirk softly, ignoring his shot to my conscious.

"It didn't faze me," I inquire, rough tongue slightly grazing the indention just below his ear lobe, rewarded with a shuddering breath.

It's one of his favorite spots. If the tender skin is pinched lightly between teeth and a firm hand strokes the inside of his thigh, he positively squirms underneath me, gasping involuntarily.

My hand snakes down, running over blue denim when he pulls away hesitantly.

I sigh letting my back fall against my pillow.

"I'm tired," he explains tersely, excusing himself out of my bedroom.

If I mentioned that his thought process blew my mind, well, his indecision and bipolar mood changes fluster me too.

Obviously, I had been angry with him, but by simply holding his frail, ruined body, even for just a few extended seconds, my anger drained away.

I can't stay mad at him.

And for the most part, I try not to.

I suppose his reasoning this time is credible though. He did have a rough first day of school. Much more eventful and exerting than it should have been.

_So that was the long-awated chapter 5. _

_Please review. Remember, anything, concerns, spelling errors, ideas, thoughts and anonymous comments are all appreciated!_


	6. Chapter 6

Zane-Of-All-Trades- Haha yes, actually. But there is ALOT of angst and stuff before that happens. I mean, like an overdose of it. & thanks for your reviews!

RikuLoverForever- Hahaha, don't worry, Sora's not going to screw up their relationship. Just his own.

Also special thanks to Sodenoshirayuki56, BigSister2, lucious haiku, khpokezeldafan, DivineSoul, NekoSparky, lady Alexas, Phantasmal Abduction, and lovelesssapphiregirl.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom hearts or any of the characters sadly. Just my own storyline.

Pairings: Pairings are offical. RikuSora, AnsemSora, AxelRoxas, SoraCloud, SoraLeon. Basically SoraxA lot of people. Yeah, I know how bad that sounds.

Warning: This is a YAOI! And there are many scenes of it. You've been warned.

This chapter is basically a flashback, which is why it is written in italics (sorry if that becomes annoying). This chapter does contain a YAOI, so if you don't like, don't read. Also, morbid subjects.

3Rd POV:

_Sora never considered himself a needy individual. But he was so entirely dependent on others. As a mirror to examine his reflection in and compliment him in order to counteract his ruined self-esteem, and as a source of deep intimacy. _

_At first impression, people believed he was this cheerful, carefree individual who wore a wide grin across his face most days. _

_They were miserably mistaken. _

_Sora hid behind a mask. A clever facade that actually did him some justice in the early stages of his childhood. But few knew the dire troubles that never ceased to follow him wherever he went._

_Everything that consisted of Sora's life could be diverged into one, notorious word: scandalous._

_Twists of lies, incest, and naivity collected to destroy his early childhood and adolescent years, evidently, making him the impulsive, lust-driven center of attention._

_At the time, he was dimly aware of the consequences of his very presence. Maybe everything could have been different. Maybe Sora didn't have to continually fuck up his life. But the harsh truth was that it had long been fucked up._

_When he was meerely a preteen, in all actuality, before then, he had been sexually molested by his father. But he was innocent and naive, and had no recognition of what his father was really doing to him. _

_He was a clever bastard. He would gently carress Sora down his thin sides, his fingers delicately stroking the trembling flesh. His hand would cup his cheek and tip his chin forward so that he could examine the wide, angelic blue eyes that stared back in wonderment. In truth, the man never took it too far. He blatantly refused to unrightfully take his child's virginity. But he still deprived him of an innocence that may have done Sora justice later on._

_He still touched him. And made Sora touch him back._

_He liked the tingling, tan skin beneath his coarse fingertips, the soft mews that escaped the boy's pursed lips. _

_Sora didn't know any better. He honestly believed that the older man was supposed to touch him. And he, without a doubt, believed that he had to obey his father._

_After all, he had just been a kid. If he had known better, the outcome of Sora's adolescence could have been universally different._

_It wasn't until he found himself misplaced into high school, where he noticed the affection that was displayed between friends, couples they were called._

_This was when the happy mask began slipping away._

_It began with the abrupt divorce of his parents and his relationship that had begun to spark with Riku._

_Riku had always wondered where and when the hell Sora had learned to kiss. And just how the slim, fourteen year old knew where on his chest was particular to pleasant shudders. And he had always been curious how impulsive he was. The hungry lust that flitted across his eyes was startling, but being the raging hormonal teenager that he was at sixteen, Riku accepted it jubilantly. _

_Their first time had been...experimental...but not disasterous. Once again, Sora's ominous knowledge of sex had astonished him. But there had still been plenty of things that the younger boy had not known._

_He had never experienced so many electrifying sensations at once. Riku was ontop of him, slowly rolling his hips against the younger boy's as his back further pressed into the mattress. His mouth descended upon Sora's bruised lips, muffling the exclaimed "Oh!" as his tongue explored the wet caverns, tasting the sugared remains of the cookie he had munched on just prior to their intimacy. _

_Riku's hand steadied the small of his back, fingertips tracing the shallow vertebrae of his spine, the other hand curling under his calf and raising his left leg over his muscular shoulder, his palm gently rubbing the underside of his jean clad thigh. _

_Sora groaned softly as paused for a slight breath before Riku claimed his lips once more. _

_Sure, he had kissed before. He had been touched. He had touched. But never like this. With slightly shaking hands, he explored the space between his and Riku's panting bodies, his tiny hands uncertainly beginning their transgression on his flexed biceps. The pads of his fingers timidly traced the bulging muscle across his torso and down his navel. He fingered the contours of his abdomen, reciting in his head which spot right below his navel caused Riku to hum in the back of his throat. _

_He noticed how Riku tensed ever so slightly when one of his nimble fingers shyly brushed the tip of his hardened nipple and the way he curled his head backwards for a split-second, teeth clenched together. Finally, he settled his fingers comfortably into the groove where Riku's spine dipped at the shoulders. _

_Riku stared at him with hard, hungry eyes, his lips parted breathily. _

_Sora instantly became timid again, his cerulean eyes widening with nervousness as he brought his right leg up and nudged Riku's hips closer to him with his knee. Riku took the hint without hesitation. _

_Suddenly, Riku's full weight pressed down on him, radiating a heavy warmth everywhere. His fingers tangled into the unruly chocolate spikes, and their kisses became frantic and hungry. A hand slid cleanly under the hem of his t-shirt and he felt Riku's mouth travel down his jawline. He planted damp kisses, stooping low under his protruding collarbone and leaving behind a wet trail up his neck. _

_He turned the palm of his hand outward and rubbed the inside of his thigh. He arched his neck backwards, allowing Riku more room. His tongue dipped inside his inner ear lobe and the hand between his legs began kneading him. _

_Oh God. It felt so good. But it was too much too soon. Oh God._

_He shuddered violently as Riku's teeth grazed the indention in his ear, his breath hot and ragged. "Okay?" He panted. He gave Sora no time to answer. He roughly tugged on the white fabric, pushing it up to his shoulders. His palms pushed his jerking hips down, and his hot mouth descended upon his naked torso._

_Hot tongue traveled over his abdomen, his nose barely brushed against the sensitive skin. His silver hair splayed across his waist, tickling the sun-kissed flesh. Then. Oh God._

_His brown nipple was enveloped with damp heat. The hand between his legs rubbed harder. Oh Fuck. He moaned loudly. He couldn't see straight, couldn't comprehend anything. All he could think about was his body screaming and pleading for more heat, more warmth. But it was so fast. But, fuck, it was hot._

_His hips jerked violently and his entire body shuddered. He tried to form coherent words, but as teeth tenderly bit the sensitive nub, his back arched almost painfully. "R-Riku." But he moaned it. Fuck. Everything was so muddled and his nerves were tingling, his toes curling and his muscles spasming as a pleasant throb pooled from his groin. He drew his hips closer, the heat intoxicating. _

_He moaned again. He felt something hard, aroused and pressing into his groin. Oh fuck. God, it sent tremors down his back. But it was too much to handle. _

_It was so different, so strange. Because..._

_It was Riku. And he was crooning over the boy, hot, tense, and ready. _

_But..._

_It wasn't right, was it? Was he not betraying the one other person in his life who had taken generous care of him? _

_But his dad never touched him like this. He never precised his movements in order to make Sora comfortable, in order to please him..._

_"Nngk!" He groaned between clenched teeth, hands drawing the sheets around his palms, fingers clamping tightly over the fabric as a hand trespassed his jeans. He could feel the smirk forming on Riku's thin lips as he planted damp kisses across the hem of his boxers. _

_Oh shit. A warm hand curled around his arousal and squeezed lightly. Back arched further, moan eliciting through his parted lips, cheeks flushing and muscles twitching, aching for more. Oh God. The hand. Fuck. It felt so good, pumping slowly down his throbbing erection, his moans silenced as the older boy captured his lips again. His free hand fumbled with the denim belt loops, easing down his jeans past his narrow hips, smoothly sliding down his legs._

_Riku pulled away for a fraction of a second, hungrily eyeing the younger boy's erection. He hesitated, a flash of concern displayed across his icy, aquamarine eyes. He wanted it, desperately needed it. But Sora was so innocent, so...fragile._

_He tugged at his lower lip, kissing him more slowly and carefully, afraid to frighten him. This was all so new. _

_Sora felt the warm hand retreat from his groin and he whimpered, arching his back and rocking his hips harshly against Riku's, earning him a shaky chuckle. "Shit, Sora." He felt timid hands place themselves on either sides of his face, smooth fingers delicately touching him. He drew his hand across his nipple again, rewarded with a muffled sigh and suddenly, his hands were between his cheeks, spreading his thin legs apart._

_His breathing hitched in his throat as two slender fingers pressed against his entrance. He squirmed, toes curling at the ominous gesture. He had never gone this far. "Hn," he whimpered asa single, long finger eased tightly into his entrance. His heart pounded, his muscles strained at the foreign object, eyes stinging with tears. _

_"Mm...ah!" He groaned in discomfort as a second finger stretched him further, moving slow and deep inside him. He bit his lip, his knuckles white as he clutched the bed sheets. _

_"Sshhh," Riku breathed in his ear, causing a shiver to erradicate through his body. He stilled his fingers and lowered his lips down to Sora's arousal. And. Oh God. Wet mouth. Teeth just barely grazing the twitching muscle. Steamy breath tickling the fine, barely visible hair. Fuck. His entire erection throbbed, precum slicking the tip as the hot wetness engulfed him. The fingers started moving inside him again, scissoring and stretching the inflexible muscles._

_His hips jerked into Riku's practiced mouth and he wasn't embarrassed by the immediate urge that overwhelmed his body. He wanted more, desperately needed it. _

_Fuck. Riku removed his fingers and Sora...Sora moaned at the loss of heat. Riku thumbed over his tight entrance and stroked his thighs lovingly. He leaned down and forced his tongue yet again in the other's mouth, letting the younger boy taste the salty remains of himself. Sora gained more confidence and he wrapped his legs around Riku's naked body, marveling at the feel of skin on skin, the way the smooth flesh twitched and the patches of sweat that stuck together. _

_"Turn over," Riku groaned softly in his ear, his hand tending to his own coated arousal, thumb circling the thin slit at the tip, his fingers still wet with Sora's precum. _

_Sora gulped, his eyes widening at Riku's request. "I...uh."_

_Riku silenced him with another breath-taking kiss and gently wrapped his arms around his thin waist, flipping him over on his hands and knees. "It'll be okay," he promised, clenching his jaw as the tension in his cock throbbed unbearably. He had to be patient. But oh God. He wanted to feel Sora's muscles clench powerfully around him, wanted to make the boy cry out in pleasure, watch him reverberate with waves of electrifying sensations._

_Slowly, he nudged the tip of his penis into Sora's entrance, steaming heat enveloping his twitching cock. He pushed deeper._

_"Ah," he said with a shaky breath. __"Oh God. S-stop!"_

_And Riku did. He smoothed his palm flat across the small of Sora's back. He snaked a pale, muscular arm around his waist securely, and eased himself fully into Sora's tight heat, carefully watching the boy's facial expressions. He teased his sore nipple between two fingers, tongue tracing a line from his protruding shoulder blade up to his ear._

_"I'm scared," Sora admitted, shivering as Riku kissed a small trail up his jawline. He brushed a stray tear that trickled slowly down his cheek._

_"Everything's going to be okay. I will never hurt you."_

_"How do you know?"_

_The distrust shimmered in his watery azures. _

_"Because, I love you Sora, and I would never do anything to purposely hurt you." He placed a pale hand on Sora's cheeks and tipped his chin towards him so he could look him straight in the eyes. "I'm not him."_

_Yes. Riku knew what that demented bastard had done with Sora. True, he may not have physically hurt the boy, but he was scarred. Mentally and emotionally. And the damage wasn't just trust. It expanded so much more further than that. His self-image, self-respect, mutilation, and common sense had been brutally corrupted._

_Sora nodded, sniffing ever so slightly as he gave way to the strong arm wrapped around his waist and he relaxed into the older boy's grip._

_"It'll be okay," he promised, distracting the contorts of pain in his lover's face by..._

_"Ah," he moaned as Riku's hand clamped around his cock and pumped him slowly. His back arched, his hips rolling backwards, pushing himself into Riku. Shallow thrusts. He moaned in pleasure, the large length inside him only causing slight discomfort. Riku's hands manuevered to his hipbones, meeting his thrusts halfway._

_Skin smacking together, sweat created a thin sheet over their bodies, a strange array of mixed cries and moans. Sora steadied his weight on his elbows, his back arching and his hips rising higher as Riku slammed into him harder._

_He brushed by his sweet spot, eliciting a sharp cry from Sora's pursed lips as a strange, overwhelming heat pulsed through his body. Oh God. The hand pressing into the curve of his hip, the other stroking his cock in time to his deep thrusts. Panting. Moaning. Smacking._

_White light brimming the edges of his vision. His muscles burned almost unpleasantly at the unyielding passion. _

_He was Riku's. Riku had the one thing he had to offer, and unwilling and irrecovably did he want to. Riku would have him._

_Something his father, something no one else had had. _

_Again and again. Riku slammed into his sweet spot, nearly blackening his vision, his entire body shuddering violently._

_Moans of pleasure and lust erupted between both of them, echoing off the dark bedroom walls. He felt like his insides were on fire, burning and swooning, ready to burst as Riku hit his aching prostate. He felt his spent muscles begin to clench unbearably around Riku's cock, the friction nearly sending him over the edge. _

_A warm hand took his neglected member and stroked it in rhythm to his paced thrusts, squeezing tightly. Fuck. He cried out, teeth sharply biting his lips, eyes half-lidded, blinded by the sheer electric jolts passing through his body. Toes curled, fingers clawed at the bunched bed sheets. _

_"Ahh...R-Riku!"_

_Oh God. Hot, creamy semen ejected violently from his slit, shooting through Riku's slender fingers, splattering his thin torso and hips. Fuck. His muscles went rigid. His prostate. He screamed. Pure passion flooded his veins. Riku groaned loudly as he came deep inside the younger boy, eliciting another loud moan. He pulled out slowly, admiring the cum that dripped from his cock and smearing the remains that covered Sora's aching backside. _

_He collapsed next to the younger boy, panting hard, squeezing his eyelids shut as he caught his breath. _

_Sora's arms gave out underneath him and he fell, head landing on Riku's damp chest, his silver hair dripping with sweat. An awkward silence enveloped the two lovers, calming as their ragged breathing subsided._

_Tender hands pulled Sora's lithe frame until his face was pressed against Riku's chest and a gentle hand that stroked his cheek, thumb brushing a line from his ear to the corner of his lip. The other snaked around his waist, his long legs folding over the smaller boy's in a protective embrace._

_"I love you, Sora," he murmured into his chocolate brown spikes. The boy beneath him sighed in agreement, eyes fluttering in a futile attempt to stay awake. He was utterly spent. But he was accomplished. Riku had him. He had the only thing that mattered. _

_..._

_Sora was a firm disbeliever in the three words, "I love you."_

_He had only ever spoken them when he had been in the questionable relationship with his dad. It was a question of commitment and he felt trapped beneath those binding words. He refused to be tied down to anything that resembled or reflected his father in any fashion. _

_And it ripped Riku apart. True, at first, he deemed that Sora was just not quite ready to say it, after all, he had been his first relationship and first time. But as the months went by, after physically claiming the boy his, he found that he received no reaction to those words. _

_After every late night stand, he murmured them against his soft skin, reveling in the picture perfect boy that was his. His. He loved the way it sounded. _

_But it didn't matter whether or not it was after sex or at school in the mornings._

_Sora never repeated those words. _

_His father had undoubtedly left a scathing mark on his tortured son. He had allowed Sora to depise himself. He had forced his own, naive son to spurge himself with biting insults and sharp blades. It was a terrifying feat that forced Riku to realize he had no idea. No fucking idea._

_What Sora had gone through, what morbid thoughts ran through his head, what he had become. He had no fucking idea what he was getting himself into. _

_It became painfully obvious after a particularly rough day of school for Sora. He had become a semi-permanent resident of Riku's house, leaving only when he felt safe to go home, despite the conflit that arose between him and the older boy. _

_Sora was in an unstable emotional state. Though he repeatedly lied between his teeth to his boyfriend, the truth of the matter was, he couldn't escape. He couldn't escape from the things his dad did to him, couldn't free himself of the wretched revenge he sought on his own body._

_Depression three times a week was a daily routine that Riku had to constantly deal with. It didn't just happen on random days either; it was plausible to happen when Sora stayed up fitfully, unable to sleep due to constricting nightmares, or even when the day was overcast and rain poured from the sky in torrents and pooled across the sidewalks._

_That day had been the latter of the two. _

_Riku had learned to give Sora well-deserved space. He had already encountered a fist to the face and a childish tantrum that came unexpetedly out of the blue. _

_So he watched with a keen eye, carefully observing the boy to make sure he was as fine as he said he was._

_But that day considerably limited the knowledge of Sora's predicament that Riku claimed to have known. _

_They happened to be sitting in algebra, a class that coincidentally, Sora despised. Riku noticed the pale flush come across his cheeks, the way his wide eyes darted fearfully around the room and back down to his lap. _

_He raised his hand timidly in the air, angelic orbs trying to disconcern the eyes that stared at the back of his head. _

_Their professer, an average adult with square glasses and brown hair, raised a questioning eyebrow as he was interrupted. _

_"Can I be excused for a moment?" Sora stammered quickly, his voice stuttering. He felt woozy...disoriented..._

_"Please, I just...need to go to the bathroom," he pleaded, his lips forming a notorious pout. The man drew a collective sigh and nodded, glancing wearily as Sora attempted to stand up and quickly had to clap his hand against the desk to steady himself._

_Something was visibly wrong. Riku felt his breathing hitch. Something was really wrong, and not for the first time, Sora had regretably refused confined in him._

_He waited patiently. The time carried on its merry way, ignoring the flashes of concern that displayed across the professer's face as ten minutes passed. Well aware of Riku and Sora's relationship, he motioned his head towards the silver-haired boy and urged him to track down the disappeared student._

_At first, he smelled blood. Lots of it. The stall door creaked open and a loud gasp startled the boy who had been curled up on the floor, face pale, entire body shuddering, fingers pressed desperately against a guaze wrap around his wrist._

_"What the fuck!"_

_He dropped down to his knees, snatching Sora's wrist from his hand, inspecting the disgusting damage. _

_Cuts. Large and thin gashes, varying in depth criss-crossed his wrists, reopened and bleeding freely. Sora whimpered as Riku applied pressure with a wad of toilet paper he had grabbed from the dispenser, the thin sheets soaking up blood. _

_Sora's skin was clammy, his forehead hot, hair plastered to his sides and his head swayed slowly back and forth. "What the hell, Sora! What did you do?"_

_The frail boy next to him didn't answer. Just trembled. He got to his feet, fetched several paper towels, and rang them with cold faucet water and cooled them against his forehead. He allowed Sora to lean heavily against his body, and that's when he realized just how much heat was radiating off of Sora's body._

_He was fighting an infection from the cuts. It was clear as day. He felt his t-shirt dampen with tears. "Sora, why?" _

_The smaller boy pulled away from him hesitantly, staring down in wonderment at his own self-inflicted wounds. "I-I don't know."_

_It was one of the most gruesome things that Riku had witness before. But it still didn't top the charts of Sora's most God-Awful Self-Mutilation List._

_And he found that one out gradually._

_..._

_Sora had always been a scrawny kid. He was evidently more thinner and leaner than a majority of the girls that attended Destiny High. Around the same time that Riku had caught Sora tending to his costly wounds, he began to notice the sheer in his hair dull. He noticed that although his skin was deeply tanned, that his face often looked a sickly pale color. _

_And most of all, he began to notice how the tiny implications made to Sora's weight immensly bothered the boy._

_It had been relatively inconspicuous at first. _

_During one of his better days, Sora would tackle Riku on the couch, a remarkable and uncommon happiness radiating from him. But a simple sentence immeadiately changed his mood for the worst._

_"Oof, Sora, you're heavy!" he complained as the teenager landed on his chest after unsuccessfully shoving him off the couch. It ended with Riku sprawled on the floor, dragging Sora by the collar of his t-shirt right behind him._

_Sora's face fell for a fraction of a second, and his lips curved into a contemplative frown._

_Riku thought nothing of it until dinnertime came around, and Sora poked mindlessly at his spaghetti with his fork. He tried to create the illusion that he had eaten by swirling the noodles around and re-arranging them, but Riku took note that he only ate a few bites._

_A similar incident happened a few weeks later when Sora had insulted Kairi playfully about her weight, as he untactfully explained that she was obtaining her curves in the wrong places. She laughed sarcastically about it, poking him in his satisfied stomach, (he had just finished eating lunch), with a single finger, sporting a small seashell ring, and proclaiming, "You're one to be talking! Is that some pudge I see?"_

_It was a rueful mistake. _

_Riku found Sora retreated in his bathroom, looking just as sick as he had the day he witnessed his cutting in the bathroom. He was crying silently, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. _

_"I don't feel good," he insisted, denying any fact that what Kairi had said had anything to do with it._

_But Riku knew. He may not have known the depth of Sora's mental and emotional damage, but he knew what the boy was trying to slide by him with._

_It wasn't long before Sora lost weight he didn't need to lose. His ribs showed through his skin, though thankfully, he had a handful of muscles that sculpted his torso, making his ribs slightly unnoticable._

_But Riku knew. _

_Sora was light as a feather across his back as he carried him down the stairs from his bedroom to the living room. Even lighter. And unbeknownst to Sora, Riku had indeed witnessed the sickening act and was unable to avoid staring at Sora rigidly whenever the boy's hands pressed into his flat stomach as he scowled in the mirror, fingertips pinching fat that was nonexistent._

_It was the price he had to pay to be with Sora. _

_A dire price. _

_But he loved him._

_Despite everything._

_If only Sora knew of the consequences of his own actions rather than his father's._

This was the much-awaited chapter 6!

Please review. Remember, anything, concerns, spelling errors, ideas, thoughts and anonymous comments are all appreciated!

A Few Side Notes:

Random chapters like these are going to come in and just explain a little about Riku and Sora's past. There will be another one soon that talks about just how and when their relationship began to fall apart.

Also, there are going to be a few changes that I am making in the previous chapters. Basically, I'm going to switch up the pairings. Cloud and Leon are trading places because it works out better in the end.

And lastly, I have a playlist I'm kind of starting for this story, because these songs just exuberant this story in their words and behind their meanings.

1. Eminem & Rihanna- I Love The Way You Lie

2. Watchout! There's Ghosts- I Ruin Dreams, Not Nightmares

3. Adam Lambert- Whataya Want From Me

4. The Urgency- Fingertips

5. Call The Cops!- Room 401

6. The Medic Droid- Fer Sure

7. Nickelback- Savin' Me

8. KillRadio- Do You Know? (Knife In Your Back)

9. Linkin Park- Hold Nothing Back


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters sadly. Just my own storyline._

_Pairings: Officially SoraRiku, SoraLeon, SoraAnsem_

_Warning: This is a YAOI! And there are many scenes of it contained in this story. You've been warned. Also rated for language. Rape in later chapters. Some dark themes._

_Zane Of All Trades- Hopefully, that will be a good thing. This is the most ansgty thing I have ever written, and it actually surprises me. I hope that it's not too sadistic and full of angst, because I know a lot of readers don't like that, but at the same time, that's what this story is about. Sora's digging himself a deep hole, and he's basically not going to get out of it for ahwile. The next couple of chapters are definitely going to have even more angst, but there will be more Riku and Sora and things, although bad, should start looking up. _

_DivineSoul- Yep, his life basically sucks, and isn't done yet. I sound like a sadist right now, but things will eventually get better._

_RikuLoverForever- It sure is. I've really been focusing on adding more detail to everything, because I realize that even small details that I leave out make a huge difference on my reviewers and readers and the entire outcome of my stories. Fallen, for example, was all right, but when I focus on the little things, I've found that it makes the big picture so much better. Also, about Sora ever being on top. Well, honestly, I'm not a fan of Sora ever being on top. I think it's werid cause he's so little and scrawny compared to everyone else. However, he will be on top like in the yaoi in this chapter, but I don't believe I will ever have him a seme._

_Demise Angel- Thank you. I was hoping that the third person POV would really help explain a lot. I just wasn't sure how to put everything in there through Riku or Sora's point of view, so I took it into the third perspective. There should be at least two more of those coming soon, in order to explain more about their pasts, and an epilogue of some sort. What I like about writing in Sora and Riku's own personal narratives, is I can be creative what they're thinking. And I'm glad you enjoy the angst, because there's a lot of it. _

_xXJuliets SecretXx- Thank you! Everytime I hear those songs, I immediately thought about this story, so I figured I could just share them with the world. In the next chapter or so, I'm going to be taking some of those lyrics and adding them in. And I'm also going to be editing it soon and adding lyrics to the previous chapters, much like I did with the quote on this one. And thank you for the errors that I had. I had actually done a huge spellcheck on the whole thing, and saved it, and my changes never saved. It happened twice, so there were tons of mistakes. I believe I fixed most of them though._

_pearlsXofXsin- Hmm, was there that many? I didn't even notice. I guess there was, but there's alot in this chapter too. Sometimes you just can't get your point across unless you use them, but I actually hate vulgar words. I never even use them myself. Hypocritical? I will listen to those songs and if I think they are deemed fit, I might add them to the playlist. Thank you for that suggestion!_

_The Moon's Berserk- It is. I've noticed that most of my stories all contain Sora and a bad relationship with his dad. I need to fix that..._

_Your Alien- Umm, no. That's what he's going through right now. As of this chapter, he is still dating Leon. When I do flashbacks, they will be in italics, and the only flashbacks I plan on having are the ones about his past with Riku and how their relationship turned so sour._

_RukiRomance- Wow. You know exactly what I'm going for! I feel like we are one in the same mind right now...Spooky. _

_Special thanks to the rest of my reviewers: Sodenoshirayuki56, Phantasmal Abduction, NekoSparky, lady Alexas, Empty Thought Bubbles, N__arutoPokeFan, xxxinsanekadajxxx, KaUiA, and Verovex._

_A/N: I know it's taking forever to update, and honestly, it will probably take longer. One, and I know how much you guys are all going to hate this, but a writer needs inspiration and motivation. Partly from significant amounts of reviews, which you guys already do, and partly just through myself. It's been tough because I have everything planned out, I know exactly what's going to happen in all the next chapters, I just haven't written them. _

_One reason is because it is so time consuming. And to write enough that I think is decent writing, takes forever. I have to constantly use a thesaurus and try not to use the same adjectives. It's crazy. Mostly, I'm just struggling getting everything down on paper. It's not a writer's block. Also, with school, my time is very limited. But I am trying my best. I know I haven't updated anything in a long while. Heck, when I first started, I updated every other day. But like I said, it's tough and I wish to thank you all for reviewing and being patient. _

_Enjoy!_

* * *

_Why is it that we love the ones who ignore us and ignore the ones who love us? - Author Unknown_

* * *

"So?"

I am dimly aware of the soft usher of my pet name. I mumble something incoherent and further nestle into the flat planes of Riku's chest, my hands fisted around his t-shirt like a child clutching candy.

I've forgotten how this feels, how irrevocably fitting and warm and safe that I feel when I wake up in the early dawn hours to find myself embraced by Riku's presence. It doesn't matter if we both fall asleep on opposite ends of the bed; we always manage to squirm beneath the covers and curl around each other, meddling in the warmth.

My knees are curled to my chest and I'm laying on my side, fitting nicely into Riku's sleeping form. He has one arm wrapped tightly around me, slender fingers lingering above my navel, and the other absentmindedly stroking my tousled chocolate locks.

"So?" He repeats, his voice as soft as ever.

It's almost foreign to hear him speak with such tenderness. Usually, we're spitting venom in each other's faces with our words. Either that or drawing fists.

Which reminded me of our ridiculous fight yesterday.

I groan loudly, part from his voice distantly calling my name and part from the realization of _why_ he was suddenly being so nice.

Damn. And I was stupid enough to believe that this had happened simply because it was supposed to, because that was how a relationship should be, how ours should have been. Reality, thanks for knocking some sense into my head.

As I began stirring, a dull ache started pulsating through my head, pounding in my ears.

Of course. Yesterday.

"You okay?" Riku leans away from me, allowing the streaming sunlight to hit my face full blast. I squint angrily, internally cursing the sun at the moment, before anxiously rubbing my eyes.

"My head hurts," I complain, slowly dragging myself to a sitting position.

"Yeah? No shit," Riku says smirking as he brushes my bangs out of my eyes. I wait patiently for him to make some snide remark about how the fight was my fault and how he ended it or whatever, but he surprises me yet again and draws a warm, chaste kiss to my lips.

"It's time to get up," he states, the mattress rising a few inches as he stands to his feet. He's already dressed and ready. Again.

I'm surprised that I didn't wake up in my notorious, mechanical state. Maybe we were both just simply trying to avoid another argument for the time being. Hell, I know I was stressed out about it already. That first day had been the worst of my life.

The mattress protests as I get up, the springs underneath the bed squeaking insistently, and I honestly believe it's a sign. I should probably just call it a day and climb gratefully back into bed. But I can feel the intensity of Riku's gaze on the back of my neck and grumbling slightly, I pad softly to the dresser, rummaging around for something halfway decent and clean to wear in the top drawer.

As I manage to peel off my t-shirt, my eyes linger with slight distaste at my body. It's an endless struggle to get me to come to terms with my image. When I look at Riku's muscular body, I can't help but be obliviously envious of it, but at the same time, I don't take care of myself.

My mind is like a maze. I tell myself that I'm ugly and worthless, so I am. I throw out punishments on my stomach by mentally persuading my mind that I'm not hungry and if I eat, I'll just gain numerous unwanted pounds of fat. Hence the too thin body that I now have obtained.

I unconsciously run my tiny fingers delicately across the shallow indentures of my ribs and I scowl. I don't consciously know that I do this because it has become such a intuitive habit. Every morning.

Suddenly, he pulls his arms around me, hands splaying across my chest and navel, fingertips slowly stroking the sensitive skin there. "I'm thinking I'm going to get rid of this mirror," he says thoughtfully, our eyes watching each other's with intensity past the reflections. He rests his chin on my head, silver strands of hair lingering across my shoulders and neck.

"Why?" I ask quietly, finding myself sighing into his body.

I watch his eerie eyes intensely as his brow knits together in thought and a small frown ages his face.

"Because, you listen to the reflection more than you listen to me," he says, and I can catch how his voice is suddenly unlatched and distant and I can feel gentle tremors in his body.

There have only been a few times when Riku has completely crumbled the walls around his heart and put up all his emotions on a billboard for the whole world to see. One was the night that he took my stainless slate, my virginity. If anyone was to have the only clean precious thing that belonged to me, I wanted it to be him.

The other time was when he first learned about my demented father's sexual advances. The abashed horror on his face had forever been imprinted in my mind.

I drew a collective sigh, and I feel my arms on their own accord shyly hover over Riku's. My hands are delicately small, much tinier than his. Like those of a child's. His gentle lips brush up against my neck, sharp teeth barely grazing ghosts of yellow bruises dotted on my protruding collarbone. I lean my head back, my neck arching almost gracefully as I allowed his practiced lips more access.

The pads of his fingers traced down my solar plexus to my navel, serving with various degrees of pressure, my hands on top of his following every sensitive touch. It feels so right. But so disturbingly wrong. I don't love. The word is nonexistent in my dictionary. And this is feeling almost too affectionate, too lovey-dovey for my bitter taste, and I pull away much to his dismay.

Maybe that's the reason for the costly mistakes that I make on a daily basis. The only person who has ever treated me humanely and delicately is Riku, and maybe that's why I can't stand him so much. I've been exposed to such rough, ruthless gestures in my dire childhood that I've grown sickeningly accustomed to it.

I don't know exactly how it started, but I certainly knew when. My mind has been so fucked up because of my demented dad. All coherent thought about relationships and how they were supposed to work snapped in half in my head. I knew nothing anymore. And I didn't help my pathetic case.

I never enjoyed the lustful advances that he pushed me into, but miraculously, that was what I now diligently pursued in all my abusive relationships. And I vehemently pushed Riku further away unless he purposely hurt me. Prime example: now.

I refused to catch his scowl in the mirror as I object, "I need to get ready," before stalking away, gaze lowered to the floor.

I honestly don't understand Riku, why he continuously and graciously accepts the shit that I put him through. And I can't explain why I do it. All I ever should be to anyone is a cheap, heartbreaking good fuck.

Mulling over my thoughts, I throw on a plain, white v-neck and pull on a ragged pair of worn blue jeans that refuse to rest on my hips without a sturdy belt, the hair on the back of my neck prickling as I feel the intensity of his gaze on me. I groan inaudibly. This is going to be another rough day.

* * *

I've been more precautious about my infatuation with Leon since the torturous first day of school, vivaciously ignoring his presence at lunch, though he blatantly drags a chair next to me in lunch, all the while his narrow, stern eyes reaching Riku's grim azures. It's like they silently stare each other down and measure up. I wish I could say it was flattering, the way they both raise their defenses, but I know that I'm just the monkey in the middle in this dangerous game.

The only real time I manage to really hold a conversation with Leon is during Chemistry, English, and Gym. Ironically, I have more classes with him than I do Riku.

He's so distant, but that didn't stop him from learning more about my abusive past with Riku in a few, mere weeks, and I could begin to tell that I was starting to have a lasting effect on him. He spoke little, and in a hoarse growl that I figured was supposed to be intimidating, but I didn't buy it.

Gradually, I began to hangout more with him, simply brushing off Riku's knowing questions by assuring him I was studying, whether it be in the library or at Leon's, he didn't really have to know.

I didn't honestly consider it cheating, after all, the fight left the answer to our relationship hovering in the air. Since our fight, I had only been home to restlessly sleep. Lately I had been losing sleep for no rational reason. Insomnia. Great, that's all I needed. Just another factor in my ever-deteriorating body and mind. That was something I had long discussed with Leon after the transgression of my reputation.

It was rather peculiar that he was capable of gathering obscenities from me that people other than Riku and Kairi never experienced. It was virtually hard to explain how or why the hell I was telling this guy my pathetic life story, well...not the whole story. I kept my disturbing childhood to myself. But maybe it was because he hadn't shot me down from the humiliating first impression.

Whatever it was, he was listening and constantly streaming questions, and I was answering.

I picked languidly at a small scab on my bony knees, biting my lip to contain that notorious frown. I was sitting with one knee bent and the other outstretched across Leon's twin-sized bed, chemistry homework dejectedly strewn out across the dark brown comforter. I wasn't entirely leading Riku on.

He was leaning back against a rolling chair, dragging the mouse across his computer screen before closing the internet with a single click. He turned in the chair, watching as I closely examined the scab.

"You're exceptionally tiny," he commented, and I looked up with curious eyes, shrugging my shoulders.

"Not really," I countered.

His lips formed in a stern frown and I could feel the reprimands coming. His icy eyes followed my fingers from my knees as I drew them away, sitting backwards against one of his pillows. Slowly, he rose from his seat, nearly predatorily. I felt the mattress sink as his weight approached. Stealthy fingers curled around my calves and I shivered slightly, my face and stomach heating up.

His palms ran roughly over my legs, fingers able to curl around my ankle in an obvious attempt to prove me wrong, his intense gaze never cowering as he slowly crouched over me. He was quite taller than Riku, an intimidating characteristic in itself. He leaned over me carefully, never once resting his body on top of mine, just agonizingly suspending over me.

"I never said it was a bad thing," he retorted, his hands leaving my skin, tingling and the sandy brown hairs slightly raised. He pressed his forehead into mine. I could feel his warm breath smooth across my parted lips. I gulped nervously.

"You said it like you were sizing me up," I argued half-heartedly. I had to give Leon the benefit of the doubt. He didn't know about my unfathomable self-esteem issues.

He silenced me by suddenly pressing his lips warmly against mine, achingly hungry. I very nearly melted into the kiss, sighing as my body released all of the residing tension. I never closed my widened eyes, too wary of completely committing myself to him. He pulled away, his eyes still blazing into mine, the permanent frown etched on his face barely visible.

"No, that's how you took it," he said with a finality that Riku lacked and what immediately made me bite my lip uncomfortably. For once, I wasn't quite so sure about this. Leon was ultimately intimidating, a different caliber than what I was used to. I wasn't going to be able to get away with losing my temper over small, insignificant things, nor the bitter, smart-ass comments that poured from my mouth.

I was on eggshells with him. He already knew so much about me, and I had been unable to gather much naught his name from him. It was mysterious and dangerous. And it sickly fascinated me as I leaned in shyly, barely catching his bottom lip before he overpowered me and sank his body into the mattress, into me. I gasped as his teeth tugged enticing across my bottom lip before his slick tongue delved into my mouth.

I groaned into the kiss, leaning as far back as the wall behind me would allow, the feeling of his fingers dancing wildly across my heated, sensitive skin, fingernails barely brushing the underside of my arms, the full pressure of his weight bearing heavily against me. His palms ran flat underneath my thighs and my breath hitched as warmth pooled in my groin and he roughly drew my thigh around his waist.

I gasped as the swift motion pressed my own quivering arousal straight into the radiating heat beneath his jeans. His hand inched upwards, squeezing the nearly nonexistent ass that I had, tips of his fingers sliding suggestively, massaging the area quite near the small, puckered entrance hidden by my shorts and I panted, hands tightening around his bangs as his lips abandoned mine.

He rolled his hips heavily against mine, grinding and causing furious friction between our sweating bodies, compressing me flat into the mattress. My hips bucked and I whimpered at the severity and intensity of the situation, his actions making my hardening erection rather painful. I hissed as his teeth grazed my collarbone, tongue leaving a damp trail down the base of my jaw, down the tense tendons of my neck.

I forgot entirely about Riku, every thought and physical need and want I had from him, deftly escaped my muffled mind. I was in lust. All coherent thoughts subtly disappeared. All I did was listen to the arousing attention my body was thoroughly ravishing in.

That was, until Leon brushed the tip of his nose against a very formidable bruise, though not large, but defined directly at the middle of my throat, where my blood pulsed hot and quick. It had always been the spot Riku territorially marked. He had made sure that that specific bruise never healed properly. He examined the bruise severly, neglecting the aching sexual tension in the air and sitting back, causing my breath to shorten as his weight shifted backwards and he sat up straight.

"What's wrong?" I asked innocently, noting the way my breath was still hasty. My hands crept to my sides and I propped myself up on my elbows.

"I'm don't share," he growled in a deep, but hushed voice, one that made the hair on the back of my neck prickle uncomfortably. His moods were already starting to leave me on edge and it was irritating me. Riku had never been this reserved and intent on this damn righteousness.

But the cold gleam in Leon's eyes made me shiver involuntarily. Riku let me get away with whatever the hell I wanted. Leon wasn't going to even start.

I knew the underlying meaning of his words. More or less, he refused to fuck me and then be humiliated when I turned around and ran back willingly into Riku's arms. He wasn't going to fuck a whore. As crude as that sounded, it was true.

I didn't understand his hesitance. I had been taught at an early age that it was okay, After all, I had only ever told Riku so much about what happened between me and my dad. It didn't fucking matter to me if it was wrong, because I had gone for so long believing that it was the absolute right thing to do, and I didn't give a shit because before I had discovered this false pretense, he had always been kind to me.

He didn't just lock me up in the closet or tie me up to a be and have his way with me. He was constantly with me and loving and lusting. I never knew any better. I thought it was okay to pass myself around; that's what he did. And what he allowed me to do.

"I'm not just some fucking toy that is shared or played with," I growled defensively, ignoring my still painful erection. His eyes narrowed grimly.

"Then don't play the part," he said smugly.

Pissed beyond reason, I violently shove my hands against his chest, swearing loudly, ignoring the fact that although I tried to shove him off me, he didn't budge and I squirmed beneath him until he removed his legs and freed me. He almost seemed amused as I stomp my way into the bathroom down his hallway and slam the door shut, undoubtedly to fix the first problem he confronted me with, as he simply leans against his headboard.

What fucking nerve. After washing my hands, I glance at the mirror with a disconnected stare as my eyes once more tally up all the physical faults of me. What was wrong with me? I know I need to simmer down, that I need to realize that what Leon was saying was just everything Riku never willingly voiced.

I inhale deeply, trying to ignore my trembling breaths and my quickened pulse, staring at the dysfunctional reflection in front of me, redirecting my anger at myself. I finally sigh and release the tension in my muscles, trying vainly to relax. This wasn't his fault; it was certainly mine.

Once calm enough to register my thoughts and fully grasp the situation at hand, I open the door with a shy turn of the knob. I've decided to revert back to the otherwise shy and timid facade in an attempt to prevent further arguments. Maybe I have been in the wrong all along. I mean, honestly, I can't go an hour without fighting with Riku and then the first time Leon and I actually progress in this relationship, I go and fuck it up again.

"I should go home," I say quietly, dropping my gaze to the floor although I can feel his steel eyes boring into my skull. He frowns slightly and stands up from the bed, and I believe for a fleeting second that he's either going to slam the door in my face or he's going to stalk straight by me and ignore my faint existence. Instead, he takes hold of my hand and leads me calmly down the hallway and out his front door.

I remain silent, biting my lip the entire car ride back to Riku's eyes and thankfully, Leon doesn't break the silence. He turns a few knobs on the radio and fumbles with the volume until it is just right and sits comfortably with us. I catch his white knuckles gripping the steering wheel as he drives and I know he's angry. Strange how it didn't show when he took my hand. His anger and emotions are so controlled.

But that frightens me. Riku and I always explode when our anger gets the best of us. We don't let it build up until the pressure is too much. If we don't agree, usually, we will fight tooth and nail about it right then and there. Hence, a majority of the problems we've had with our wavering relationship.

But I honestly can't blame Riku. I could hold him maybe 13 percent liable for his actions. I can openly admit that I act like a brat and purposely make him mad. I don't know why. It can't be the attention. I'm not that needy and insistent. At least not for that kind of unwanted attention.

As he pulls into Riku's driveway and brakes, I chance a glance and notice he's calmed down considerably and his grip has slackened on the wheel. He surprises me again as he leans far across his seat and his arms twists around my neck and he draws me in for a bruising kiss, tongue swirling forcefully in my mouth. As he releases my lips, his breath flares against my eardrum.

"I mean it."

He pulls away, leaving me breathless and shivering slightly. His warnings and callous ways are really throwing my guard up. I offer him a simple quirk of my lips before collecting my bookbag and stepping out of his car into the warm, August night. I look back once before I fish the key from underneath the doormat and unlock Riku's front door, and I see Leon already pulling out of the driveway.

In another week, I've followed the same routine, gradually distancing myself from Riku and trying to ignore the frustrated looks across his face as I solely focus my attention on Leon. He's warned me several times already that I need to watch my step and that he's not fucking around.

But what the hell am I supposed to tell him? That I don't have a place to stay other than Riku's? Like Leon would welcome me with open arms into his house anyways.

Riku's not stupid. He knows what's going on. And eventually, he's going to stop bruising his pride and accept my indifference. But for some reason, he seems to be trying harder than normal to keep my attention and it's wearing me out as well as pissing me off because Leon is also not stupid and he knows what's going on.

I'm in the middle of two perceptive hawks here, both trying to tug me in one direction and I don't know what to do.

Truth be told, I leave Leon's place after taking part in heavy distracting sessions from our homework, the kissing and touching leading to more in a little under a week, and I return to Riku where I curl up into his arms. He stiffens every time I do that, because he knows what I've been doing, but he can't resist. And trust me, I'm not some cute little blanket that you can keep cuddling up to no matter how old you are. It's not like that.

It's just...

Riku won't let go. He can't and he's unwilling.

And eventually, his arms wrap around my waist and his hand falls limp across my hip and we fall asleep together. He's trying fruitlessly to pretend like nothing's happening. He's still seducing me, sleeping with me, wrapping me protectively in his embrace as we go to sleep, driving me home, and flirting smugly with me in front of Leon despite my protests and insensitivity to him.

It's a futile attempt and he knows it. The fighting steeply increases, small, unimportant bickering leading to full, fist-drawn fights. I knew it was only a matter of time, but I had no idea that it was going to be as emotionally and physically tormenting as it was when it did happen.

I pulled away from him, hissing as his hand locked tightly around my wrist. I had already successfully punched him thrice, twice in the chest and once in the jaw as we literally tumbled off the couch, wrestling for dominance as I fisted his shirt and he dug his fingernails into my shoulders as he tried to shove me off of him. More damage had been done to me, just because of Riku's size and strength. And because he tried so vainly not to lay a hand on me.

My arms were twisted and throbbing and a sharp pain was inflaming my back from where he had pinned me several times already. I glared frigidly at him, nearly taking him by surprise at the ferocity of it. I drew back and hit him again, eliciting a string of curses.

"Damnit Sora!" He shoved me against the coffee table.

"This never would have happened if-" He claps a hand across my mouth and I taste a coppery liquid spurt through my teeth, successfully shutting me up as he pinned me down again, straddeling my hips and collecting my arms tightly over my head where he clamped his hand to both my wrists, almost entirely rendering me immobile.

"What the fuck has been your problem lately?" He growls, letting go of my mouth.

"You're such a jealous bastard, you know that?" After all, he started it. We had been just fine, kissing on the couch, MTV distantly buzzing on the television. I should have been more perceptive; My already unruly hair was slightly bedridden and my shirt and jeans were wrinkled, and the zipper was down.

"And you're a fucking brat. Tell me something I don't know," He snaps, wrenching my arms a inch backwards, causing me to whimper submissively.

"This wouldn't have happened if-" I tried again, fighting to get him off of me even though my arms were crying out in pain, but he interrupted me again, his lips pulled into a snarl and his aquamarine eyes raw with anger.

"You started it!" He growled, cutting me off before I went off on another notorious rampage. We were famous around the school for endlessly fighting because both of us refused to swallow our pride and admit defeat. "And I ended it."

I'm sick of this ruthless fighting and my arms are aching, hindering me to my limit and I go slack in his grip, my eyes watering. What I'm about to say is going to hurt him more than the purple bruise discoloring his left cheek.

"I'm ending it," I mutter, turning my head away from the disinterested eyes. I wasn't going to be able to face the look of shock that would splay across his face after this.

His grip loosens considerably and he allows me to remove my arms from the back-breaking position as realization dawned on him.

My words register in his mind and his eyes harden again and I'm almost afraid that he's really going to hit me this time, that I went too far. I know his blood is boiling in an awkward mix of fuming anger and desperation, unsure of what he should be feeling. Rejection never gets easier. He glares murderously at me and I clench my teeth and flinch, bracing myself for him to start screaming at me and telling me to get the fuck out of his house.

"Leave as soon as you find yourself sleeping in your new boyfriend's bed," He says sharply, standing up from pinning me and thundering upstairs. I can hear him opening drawers and slamming them closed with loud bangs and I know he's controlling his anger against me and throwing my stuff onto the floor.

I realize I am still holding my breath and my heart is hammering, and it takes me a full five minutes to gather my bearings and lift myself, rather carefully and numbingly slow to my feet. My back is groaning in protest and my arms and legs are quivering so bad, I fear that I might not be able to hold myself up.

I limp towards the kitchen sink and spit, noting the small amount of blood mixed in with my saliva. He had barely touched me, and I was still worse off. I think I say this after every fight, but this one was the worst ever. Blood never resulted in it; neither did being kicked out of the house.

He knew before the words left his lips that I had already slept with Leon. It wasn't subtle. That's why he said it. The timing was excruciatingly bad. Of course we had to wind up fighting after Leon dropped me off after only being over at his house until six.

I'm real uncertain if he means what he threatened. Would he really make me fend for myself and go moping back to Leon's? Yeah, that would do it.

I could just imagine Leon opening the front door, his cold eyes narrowing as he took in my hassled, bruised appearance and noticed the duffel bag slung across my shoulder.

"Hey Leon," I would murmur, gluing my eyes to the floor, ashamed. "C-can I stay at your place tonight?" Yeah, that would blow over just fine.

Grumbling to myself, I wash the spit and blood out of the sink after spitting a second time and I storm up the stairs after him, fists balled. When I reach his door, I hesitate as I hear the sound of fabric being zipped together. Then suddenly, Riku opens the door, glares at me, and turns around.

His glare made me stop in my tracks. It wasn't resentful or even pained. It was...disappointed...

Unwillingness. Like he was intentionally giving up this time. Like he had no fight left in him.

He bustled around the room, gathering what few belongings and articles of clothing I had, and as discreet as he tried to be, I noticed that he added a few of his own clothes: a pair of his sweatpants and hoodie, because I didn't have any of my own. How thoughtful.

This scared me more than the abusive fight we had just had. He retrieved my toothbrush and toothpaste out of the bathroom, along with my shampoo and wrapped it carefully in a towel so it didn't stain or ruin my clothes, before also stuffing it into the bag. He walked right by me, ignoring my questioning stares as he deposited my bag, now full with all my things, outside the front door.

I followed him timidly as he leaned against the door frame, arms crossed over seriously, his eyes now cold and expressionless.

"Leave," he says, so quietly I have to register the words in my head and I let my mouth fall in slight disbelief. "Go," he insists gravely with a nod of his head. I watch him carefully as I take hesitant steps past the threshold. Is he serious? Did I push him too far this time? I decide to shrug off his threat and humor him and I step all the way across the doorway.

The second my shoes hit the concrete doorstep, the door swings shut behind me, connecting with my already sore back, making me wince. I hear a swift click and realize he's locked the door. I really pissed him off this time. Rolling my eyes, I toed the edge of the doormat, looking for the key. It's gone. Growling, I realize he must have remembered to take in inside after the threw my stuff out here.

Sighing loudly, I plop down on the step and lay my head into my arms, pouting. He's being absolutely immature and ridiculous right now. But I know he's angry and I'm half-heartedly grateful that he didn't take out his anger on me.

He'll let me back in soon. I know he will. Riku may be an asshole sometimes, but he's not heartless.

This is what I kept telling myself as the sun began to set, the oranges and blues and purples all mixing together in the darkening sky. I started mumbling it to myself, as if repeating it would clarify and add some credibility to the words, but as the crickets started whistling in the grass and the night became alive with nocturnal creatures and I had checked my phone for the twelfth hundred time, I realized he was not letting me back in.

10:59.

I had been out there for four hours. He wasn't opening up. He was serious. My muscles and bones were tired and aching terribly and I knew I was going to have to either swallow my pride and hike the thirty minute road to Leon's place or I was going to sleep on the cold, rough pavement. Either options weren't looking too good.

I had done it this time.

So grudgingly, against the groaning complaints of my body, I hiked my bag over my shoulder and started with an agonizingly slow pace in the direction of Leon's place.

A drive that could have taken little over ten minutes winded up taking me over thirty with my bag. Every time one shoulder creaked in pain after carrying it for too long, I switched it to the other and continued. I was too angry and still in shock that he actually kicked me out to care that it was profusely nearing midnight as I finally reached Leon's.

I'll bet Riku thought he was clever. Poison my ego and make me crawl back to Leon. Immature bastard.

I glanced at his bedroom window on the first floor reluctantly, reaching several times for the doorbell and withdrawing my hand before I forced my finger to press the damn button. I couldn't stay out here all night long.

I waited impatiently as I heard groggy footsteps creak against the wooden floor and cautiously open the door. A bemused sort of grimace accented his face as he took in the sight. Luckily, it was dark enough so that he didn't notice my slightly swollen lip or the bruises covering my arms. But he did sense my weariness and he let me in without comment until I collapsed on top his bed, leaving my bag by the door.

He didn't probe as he followed my lead, but I had been anticipating some sort of comment out of him.

"Made your decision," he said plainly, rolling over on his side and leaving me to contemplate my thoughts silently. I shivered in the darkness, not used to sleeping on my own. Even when Riku and I had fights, come time for bed, we were always forgiving until the morning. I half-expected Leon to cradle me in his arms, but that was definitely asking too much.

So for the first time in five years, despite the warm body already in a deep, snoring slumber only a few inches away, I slept utterly alone.

* * *

Living with Leon is weird to say the least. I thought that maybe sharing the same quarters with my new appointed boyfriend would make his hard exterior a little less unwelcoming, but I was proved wrong as his solemn moods reoccurred more than once. He was nothing like Riku by any surmount.

When we had sex, he was rough, not unkind, but he didn't tend to me like Riku did. Riku knew everything about me; his tongue knew every curve, every indention, knew where to just barely graze his teeth across to make me moan in a frenzy. His hands always explored my body, experimenting with levels of pressure and pinches, kneading and massaging me. Leon just flexed his fingers into my hips and went.

And when we passed out in exhaustion, even if I tried to curl up next to him, it was seldom that he ever draped his arms around me. Riku always pulled me affectionately into his arms, stroking my waist and ribs soothingly. If and when Leon rarely put his arms on me, he simply left them there.

It's crudely humorous how everything Leon says and does, I compare him furtively against Riku.

Speaking of Riku, he's been holding up his end of our unspoken bargain. I don't bother him, he doesn't bother him. I secretly wonder if he's still angry with me from the fight, because he stiffens every time I come near and he refuses to acknowledge my presence.

But I watch him carefully for the next week or so, and that scary, defeated look has returned to his eyes. No one else notices, and that's because he's damn good at hiding his feelings. But I know his moods and this is one I've only ever seen a few times before in my entire life.

The first was the time I confessed, drawn to tears and rocking back and forth in fetal position, the unimaginably horrid things that had happened to me during my childhood. Of course, he had already assumed the worst, but hearing it straight from my mouth really hit him hard. Despite the fights I drug him through, he never relented in his compassion.

Perhaps the second time was after he became consciously aware of my unstable mental capacity, he feared he was going to lose me again. And he did in sorts. Because the cheerful, lackadaisical ray of sunshine that used to be me, turned into a cumbersome burden.

I was tainted, therefore, everything that came in contact with me, also became tainted.

But his eyes were haunting. I wanted him to fight for me; I didn't want him to give up just because he had a little, unadulterated competition. He had always brawled to keep me. Why was he distancing himself now?

Then there was Kairi, who harmlessly glared daggers at me every time she saw me. It was something I found rather easy to ignore. I had ignored it in the past. I didn't hate Kairi. I loved her like a little sister, but she pissed me off constantly. She always had to have the last word in concerning mine and Riku's relationship. I think she was conspiracing to keep us together, because that was the only time we were humane to each other anymore.

It also didn't help that I received disapproving glances from Roxas, Axel, Terra, Aqua, the whole gang. It didn't matter either way to me because I was too damn stubborn to convince myself that I really did care, even though I did.

I had to openly admit that Leon wasn't that fun to hang around. He barely laughed, rarely talked, and never, and I mean, never, wanted to go out.

After two months of this same, monotonous routine, I finally put my foot down. Well, in actuality, I slammed my fist down on his desk.

"I'm bored, Squall," I complained loudly, forcing him to look up from some homework assignment. "Let's do something."

"Like what?" he answered in a bored tone, returning his gaze to his paper. I shrugged my shoulders, looking thoughtful.

"I dunno, something fun. Something that actually gets us out of this God forsaken house."

A thin smile tugged at his lips, but he didn't look up. He was definitely going to need more persuasion. "What are you suggesting?"

I sighed, standing up from the chair and sauntered over to Leon on the bed. Cautiously, I slid his homework out of his hand and set it next to him on the bed. I knew where I wanted to go.

"Let's go dancing," I proposed, sitting on what little room I could and curling my hand around his leg, offering a cute smile.

He raised an eyebrow. "Dancing?" He pronounced each syllable as if he were confirming what I had said. He shook his head suddenly, steel eyes narrowing and he went to grab his paper again. I reached out quickly and snagged his wrist, ignoring the glare he tossed my way.

"Not really dancing. Just...let's go to the club. Please?" I widened my eyes and stroked his wrist with my thumb. "Come on! It'll be fun. While we're there, we can have some drinks, relax," I said airily, tugging on his arm and pulling him to his feet. A disgusting feat of Leon's. He didn't drink to get drunk, but he did drink. And often.

Riku had never been one to drink all that much, as unbelievable as it sounds. The last time I can ever remember him drunk was two years ago at Kairi's birthday party. We had both been drinking excessively and clumsily were somehow able to go upstairs into Kairi's room and we fucked in our drunk stupors in ecstasy. Kairi never quite completely forgave us for that one.

Riku only drank during special events; Leon drank whenever he damn well pleased.

"You can drink and dance with me, and it'll be a win-win situation," I explained tersely as I released his hand and opened his closet door up.

"It's a school night," he graciously pointed out as I quickly went through hangers of his clothes.

"Who cares?"

"I need to finish my homework."

I pivoted on my heel, facing him, frown etched on my face. "If you don't want to go with me, then just fucking say so," I growled, folding my arms across my chest. I was clearly turning the matter against him and throwing myself into the equation. I knew if I made it sound like he didn't want to go because of me, he would give in, at least he would try not to, but I knew he wouldn't succeed.

Leon knew that I was manipulating the situation to get what I wanted. But I didn't give a shit what he thought. He was always sitting around home moping around and I was going stir-crazy. He sighed in exasperation, drawing a muscular arm above his head, stretching the rigid muscles.

"I'm not going to get anything done anyways, am I?" He grimaced with a futile attempt to keep his smirk to himself. My gaze flattened.

"No."

"Then worry about what you're going to wear," he said in a raspy voice and shoved me aside, rummaging through his closet. I roll my eyes and trudge over to Leon's drawers, opening the middle with a loud creak. I don't bother distressing over what I'm going to wear. Just skin-tight black jeans, which barely fit my small frame anyways. And a loose, white shirt with a v-neck collar that exposed my the indention between my pectorals.

As I dressed, I glanced across the room, cheeks rushing with crimson as Leon buckled a pair of inflexible, leather pants that stuck securely against his defined muscles. Leon's body was incredibly enthralling and I instantly knew that jealousy and envy would waft through the air as soon as we stepped into the club. It was a grudge that I was used to after being with Cloud as well as others.

My intuition rarely fails. My hand curled protectively around his wrist, tugging him persistently as we approached the entrance to the club.

Two burly guards stood in front of the doors, arms crossed severely across their chests and their glares threatening anyone to try and enter without their approval. One was a man named Xigbar, a tall, muscularly built man with a black patch covering his right, narrow yellow eye. His black hair was sleeked back in the front, splaying vertically along his back. On the opposite side of the portal, was Xaldin. He was nearly identical to Xigbar, except his eyes were icy blue and his hair was pulled into a ponytail atop his head.

I had dealt with these two assholes multiple times; they were the reason why I could get in. Of course, when they caught wind of Leon after flinging several choice insults my way, the immediately bit their lips and scowled, nodding their heads solemnly as I ushered Leon in.

As I stepped forward, Xigbar shot his arm out, blocking my way and contacting with my chest threateningly. They were twisted, creepy, falling under the influence and fucking demented order of Xemnas. "Well, well, well, we haven't seen your skinny piece of ass here in a while," he remarked, twiddling an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

"Fuck off!" I growled, as Xaldin brushed the dark exposure of my neck, making me visibly shudder. I wrenched his arm away, glaring furiously at him.

"Such a dirty mouth for such a _willing_, provactive celibate," Xigbar crooned.

"It doesn't fucking matter," I state offhandedly, "You'll never get close enough to know."

I tried to shove by him, but he dug his sharp fingernails into my shoulder and whipped me around to face him.

"Try me," he seethed through clenched teeth as his face inched closer to mine, and I feel his hefty breath against my mouth and I vividly taste smoke, wrinkling my nose in disgust.

"Leave him for Xemnas," Xaldin said smoothly, watching me closely as Xigbar releases my shoulders.

"You've been playing Xemnas, kid. I'd watch my ass if I were you, cause Xemnas'll be fucking it," he threatened in a deadly voice, lowering his arms and finally allowing me to step into the club.

It sounded worse than it was. Xemnas was just bitter because I never took him to bed with me. Call me a whore, call me whatever the hell he wants, but I have a more refined taste than that.

I shook off the volatile confrontation and stepped through the door, my eyes staggering and adjusting to the black lights and unfurling smoke. Leon was waiting for me, eyebrows lifted ashe looked at my tousled shirt and strong arms linked across his chest impatiently.

Blinking furiously, I snag his wrist and pull him through the overly packed dance floor to the bar across the room. Leon immediately took a seat on a padded, ratty bar stool, motioning for a silver-haired man on the other side of the counter. Fierce gold eyes widened minutely as the man grinned placidly at us and turned to mix a drink. He slammed a glass on the counter, nodding to Leon, who took a chug of it.

He brushed thick silver strands of hair from his cruel eyes and leaned on his elbows to stare lividly at me. "What brings you back here?"

I returned his glare, resting my palm against Leon's tight thigh. "None of your business, Xemnas," I said in a mocking tone that stressed each syllable.

He crossed his arms smugly. "You have another fuck buddy?"

My jaw set and I bit my lip angrily, afraid to tell him off in front of Leon, in case he decided to reprimand me on my "fuck buddies" and everything that had happened between them and myself during my previous encounters here.

I frowned. "Get me the usual," I growl irately. Knowing he struck a tender nerve, he chuckled under his breath, spinning around and concocting some shots for me. My mood has darkened considerably with the disputes, so when he lines up several colored shots in front of me, I down them all in less than ten seconds flat. My head spins and I'm almost nauseous, but it passes quickly, becoming a dull ache in the back of my mind.

Eagerly trying to evade anymore stupid fights, I drag Leon into the sweaty, thrumming crowd. This is my element. It's ironic how I'm most comfortable with my body when I'm here. Maybe it's because no one really pays you any heed. They're all in their own dreams, in their own dimensions like myself where all they experience is physical adoration.

My head is pleasantly buzzing and I hook Leon's fingers into the front of my jeans and I lean heavily into his taut frame, feeling beads of sweat already forming against my back. I grind expertly against Leon's thigh, rolling my hips to the loud bass that impaired my hearing, and I snake my arms up around Leon's neck, closing any space that was between us.

Despite his uninterested complex, Leon pressed his fingertips into my hipbones, rocking his hips aggressively against me, his cheek grazing my collarbone, our breaths mingling. I can smell the alcohol huff from his lips peppering my jaw. One calloused hand crawls up my midriff, revealing my flat navel. The toxicity of each separate, distinct sensation, the rough carresses, musty scent wafting past parted lips, the hazy vision and closed off precautions, the hand tightening around hip, the patent hardness pressing into my backside, all of it, forced me to close my eyes and drift away in salacity.

Then my wrinkled shirt was collecting under my chin and the buckles of my jeans were being removed swiftly, and hard-pressed kisses were trailed along my thin ribs, rough palms scraping my sides, hand slipping deftly between my legs and squeezing, kneading, heat erupting from my stomach as hungry moans shoved past clenched teeth.

His pebbly tongue retreated from two bruised, perky nipples and his mouth latched onto my lips, breath heaving, chest panting. Fuck. Hands somehow managed to permeate my tight jeans, cold pads of fingertips squeezing my twitching length. I hissed sharply as my pants were removed, cold wind slapping my heated skin. Where the fuck were we again?

I didn't have a chance to ponder our whereabouts as a hot mouth meshed around my throbbing erection, gaunt cheeks hollowing as Leon took all of me almost malevolently into his mouth, large hands spreading my ass cheeks wide as he inserted a long finger without any lubrication. I winced, groaning at the tight strain, back arching, hands closing hurriedly at his bangs, forcing his head against my groin.

He added another finger, curling and stretching the excruciating muscles before pulling away. I groaned incoherently as he sucked hard, causing cum to spurt from the tender slit into his mouth. He swallowed the semen before releasing me from his mouth. Gathering my bearings, I lifted myself up on my elbows and shoved him down into the backseat, which I had realized we were in, and I gripped his hips steadily as I swiftly licked the underside of his pulsing cock.

I nibbled along the rigid side, kissing and savoring the flesh before attempting to deep throat him. I inhaled deeply feeling his encouraging fingers spreading my legs apart again and slipping in three fingers at one into my unyielding heat. Moaning around his erect length, I felt his nails dig sharply into my sensitive skin, his breath hitching as I sucked and nipped at him until he discharged into my mouth, growling deep in his throat.

Smirking, I wiped the sticky substance from my lips with my discarded shirt and sprawled on top of him, hips swiveling against his once more hard cock, groans heightening as he delved his wet tongue against my hot mouth. I felt his engorged cock squeezed between my hips. Fingers retreated, forcing an insistent whine escape my lips as I sat up, positioning my entrance over his stock-still member.

Willing my muscles to relax, I slowly lowered myself onto his cock, nose scrunching and wincing as the initial, dry intrusion. Eyes half-lidded he fisted my cock, shooting electric sensations across my nerves. "Ahh, fuck."

Hesitating as I numbly adjusted to his full cock, ignoring my muscles that were stretching almost painfully, and I pinched his brown nipples, rubbing them between my forefinger and thumbs, earning myself a slew of curse words.

I made sure my knees were in place before lifting my body up, groaning as stars winked under closed eyelids. I was still in a dreamy haze. I'm not sure what the fuck Xemnas put in my drink, but I didn't fucking care. This was hot, needed, intense, the effects of the drink multiplying the sensations ten-fold.

I was writhing in burning pleasure as I rode fast and sharp, consistent groans filling the musty car. Incoherent curses were screamed in my ear as I was flipped on my stomach before Leon began thoroughly ravishing and impaling me, thick cock brutally hitting my prostrate, one hand tight around my neglected length and pumping it in time with his long, deep thrusts.

I was screaming. Screaming in ecstasy, back arching painfully as my muscles clenched ruthlessly around him. Fuck. Xemnas must have fucking drugged me up. We were both heavily intoxicated, abiding by physical notions only.

Then it was over. I vaguely remember the radio playing somewhere in the back of my jumbled mind, and I felt Leon hoisting my up by my shoulders as I wobbled drunkenlyon my feet, uncaring. "What..the fuck," I mumbled, as his nails dug into my shoulders as he tried vainly to walk me back into his house. I was barely complying, wrestling his hold against my frame, which only caused him to rattle me more violently.

"Damnit Sora," he growled as my legs gave out, what little weight I had falling dead in his arms. "What the fuck did you have to drink?"

I don't remember much after that. Just an excruciating headache and I'm pretty sure I yelled at him to leave me alone, earning me a few slaps, whether in anger or frustration or maybe because he was nearly as drunk as I was, that I was too drunk to understand what he wanted. "Go to sleep!" He shouted, finally cracking as he managed to pull a single layer of sheets over my, depositing a small bucket next to the bed in case I threw up.

The door slammed shut and I was alone and thoroughly confused. My stomach churned unpleasantly and I groaned, clawing at my face to force the heavy pressure against my temple to leave. A thick fog clouded my vision and thoughts. I didn't even hear the door open again, but I did feel hands remove my fingers from my face and force me to sit up and gulp down some kind of medicine that worsened the dark spots sporting my vision.

"You're going to claw your eyes out, Sora, fuck."

Shit. This wasn't like me. I was usually the caretaker.

"Fucking Xemnas," I groan, massaging my temples by pressing my knuckles sharply against my head.

"I told you I didn't want to go."

"Fuck off!" I weakly aim a balled fist into Leon's shoulder.

I didn't want to throw up. I could decently handle my alcohol, but whatever Xemnas had slipped in my drink had fucked me up for the night. Leon was initially unfazed by how much he had consumed, and he didn't show it as he watched over me and made sure I fell asleep without harming myself in the process.

It's strange how satisfied Leon seems after that night. Like he had been entirely clueless about how intoxicating and hypnagogic the rave had been. He got a good fuck out of it, and he got to drink. It wasn't long for me to discern that I had awoken a dormancy in him.

* * *

We established a degrading routine that dissipated any credibility I had left within my school reputation. Prolonged absences became questions revolving around the school about my health. My physical state was fine, for the most part.

The late partying and dancing was beginning to diminish my grades and I found myself soon being dragged to the club unwillingly. I was getting fucking sick and tired of Xemnas and his brainless minions. I wanted a break. But I had no choice in the matter any longer.

Leon became more and more relentless in his excessive drinking, and he began ditching me at his house to go to the club. Things were steadily heading downhill, not surprising because all of my relationships had done that.

I blindly expected this one to be universally different. Leon masked his feelings and something that I once found captivating and mysterious, just put me on edge and frustrated me to hell. Despite previously understanding that our personalities could potentially clash, I refused to listen to my own insight.

We started fighting. And it was his fucking fault. For a week, he had been coming home from the club, hair mussed and shirt wrinkled. I was fine with that, really. It wasn't the first time, and it's not like I had never danced with a stranger before. It was expected.

But I would suddenly be locked out of my room, muffled noises erupting through the walls. He was being discreet as he possibly wanted, because he didn't care. I was a damn kid in his stoic eyes. I caught glimpses of the intruder, blond spiky hair sticking up from underneath the twisted sheets, but never anything more.

And the questions came hurling one after the other. I had never been the cheated, always the ruthless cheater. And it fucking hurt. My hands shook and my heart was swelling with disappointment and guilt and depression, things I hadn't been aware of before.

Riku might have poised for a strike, but it always fell short of its deserving target. Not Leon. He impeded me and humiliation would spread across my cheeks, knowing that I wasn't worth it. He didn't want me, or he didn't give a damn.

Was this the way Riku felt every time I was long gone in the mornings, the space where I should be, cradled in his arms, empty and cold. Did his heart feel like it was being lacerated each time he saw me with someone else? It hurt like hell. Worse than anything my dad had ever done to me. It reiterated the fact that I had been battling with myself for years. I began confronting myself about my worthlessness and how pathetic and ugly I was.

But the worst part wasn't the self-mutilation that had me pressing thin razors into the soft underside of my wrists, or the weak quivering of my stomach, or even Leon smacking me around like a damn rag doll every time we fought.

It was the sadistic reality that I couldn't leave.

If there was one person that I despised more than Xemnas, it would indefinitely have to be Riku. He knew. He fucking knew that something was amiss.

After three solid months of ignoring each other, which included me rearranging seats in our Psychology class so I wasn't near him, he pulled me aside.

My physical appearance was rotting. The random, scarce days that I actually made it to school, I looked haggard. My unstable, weakening esteem and care were showing. My eyes were hollowing, clouding over in a state of despondence. My hair was visibly drooping and my skin grew ashen. More than once, I sported a dark, swelling bruise, compliments of Leon.

And Riku was itching to ask me what was going on. And I almost slipped.

My bruised, wavering pride wouldn't allow me; I couldn't apologize.

It was at school and I was in a foul mood, something that was becoming more frequent the more time I spent with Leon. We were arguing again, in the empty hallway that lead to the cafeteria. It was a continuing fight from this morning, because I had slept on the fucking couch again, while his new toy was underneath the covers.

I swatted bitterly at his hand that landed on my shoulder, spitting slightly as I told him not to touch me with those filthy, whoreish hands, when it happened. A loud smack resounded, echoing excruciatingly loud against the metal lockers lining the hall. The force behind it was enough to send me reeling, my tender neck experiencing a shot of whiplash and I gasped, tears collecting at the corners of my dull eyes as the white-hot burn reddened my cheek.

He was stalking away moodily and I brought a hesitant hand to my face as my eyes locked with a pair of intense, raged, aquamarine eyes. Fuck. His brows furrowed with boiling anger, then his eyes widened with concerned understanding and he unconsciously let his mouth fall open, just enough to release a ragged breath that he hadn't know he was holding.

Pain flashed vividly across his eyes and I couldn't keep his gaze. He bore into my soul, he knew what was happening, but he knew that there was nothing he could do about it. But fuck, he tried.

He stepped forward, eyes wide with fear as his arm reached out. "Leave me alone!"

"Sora, what the fuck is going on?" His silver bangs concealed the etched frown between his eyebrows.

"What the fuck do you care? Fucking satisfied? I'm out of your bed, out of your hair, out of your fucking life!" I screamed, astonished at my hoarse voice. He lifted a hand and I thought for a split-second that he was going to hit me, and I violently flinched as his hand descended across my shoulder. I had too much to lose by admitting defeat to Riku. I couldn't face my mistakes. I never could.

He gasped in shock and his eyes narrowed, icy fire burning into me. We both knew I had royally screwed up. "You were the one who fucking kicked me out," I said lowly. "So, leave me alone, for once in your fucking life."

I didn't want to see the hurt that pained his expression from my impish outburst. My hands trembled and I knew I was horribly in the wrong. But I wasn't going to let Riku bail me out again. I couldn't go back to him after all of this. My relationship with Leon had been the longest I had held over Riku, and it initially killed him. I couldn't allow him the satisfaction that he was right.

The truth fucking hurts.

And this relationship was slowly killing me.

* * *

_Please review, any thoughts, concerns, spelling errors, ideas, criticism, everything is appreciated!_


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